Icediver

Nothing at the bottom of the ocean bothers her. Nothing natural, that is. On a repair job in the Bering Sea last month, she encountered a lost Japanese spider crab hiking back to the Pacific, following a straight line of radiant heat from the subsea fiber-optic cable she had been dispatched to splice together at a break point. As she stripped the cut cables, the spider crab passed overhead in slow motion, its serene, ponderous movements giving her a chance to study the white ridges of its abdomen and the pinched joints of its legs, which towered over her, much longer than she was tall; harder, too, its reddened carapace reminding her of the skeletons of repair robots designed to scuttle into air ducts and reactor cores to perform dangerous maintenance. Her repair jobs usually mean descending to between 5,000 to 10,000 feet below sea-level—at a depth where the extreme water pressure would collapse a human’s lungs. When she dives, her lungs compress, pushing all oxygen into the bloodstream to dissolve. Her gills then open, three delicate slits at the base of her throat opening on each side of her neck to allow seawater to flow over the filaments and oxygenate the blood. Once submerged, her adaptable body temperature and webbed phalanges enable her to live quite comfortably underwater for days or weeks at a time—a capability telecoms were quick to capitalize upon when her species of deep sea dwellers first surfaced about a century ago. Now, Vira jumps at every job opportunity, knowing they will be few and far between.

Her last job was a month ago. Before that, she was living lean off a gig in February.

It’s August now, and tourist season in Alaska is less than a month from closing.

Her mother will be out of work again soon.

On the way to pick her mother up from her seasonal job at Kodiak Gulf Floor Tours, Inc., Vira recalculates her September–May budget: $600 per month for her share of the rent for a small two-bedroom apartment she still shares with her mom, $300 per month in student loan payments, $120 per month on average for cell service and the extra data she’ll need once she goes over their low limits, another $100 per month to help with gas and car insurance, and about $200 per month for groceries to supplement all the fish she caught, dried, or froze for winter. By her calculations, she has less than $400 left over after bills and necessities to splurge on little gifts for herself, but chances are good her mom will burn right through that with something or other—parking tickets, bail, yet another get-rich-quick scheme that will inevitably blow up in her face.

“Maybe Dave will have something for me,” she mutters, pulling into the parking lot.

Once parked, she takes a deep breath, reminding herself, Be nice. You need the money.

Dave picks up after barely one ring. “Well, well, well if it isn’t my favorite mermaid!”

“I prefer the term sirenx,” she reminds him, banging her head inaudibly against the rest.

“Right. Sorry about that.” She can hear him wince in discomfort. “So, what’s up, Vira?”

She tries not to sound desperate. “I was just calling to see if you have any jobs for me.”

He hums, clicking through company portals at his desk to check. “Nothing right now.”

His elongated vowels make her think he is hiding something, so she presses. “What about next month? I heard about the plan to build a diverse fiber line on the north side of the Aleutians. Not sure where that is in the process, but I would be happy to install the branching units, like last time.” Her head tilts into a joking shrug, even though he can’t see her on the phone. “Lord knows they’ll need a bunch of branches to hit all the communities on the chain.”

“Tell me about it.” As a former resident of False Pass, he allows himself a brief moment of bitterness over the delay in extending fiber to his community from the original line festooned on the south side of the Aleutian Chain. “But that project is still in permitting. We’re not planning to lay cables until next spring at the earliest. And that’s probably aggressive. You know how these things go. It could be five years before anything moves forward. Or six months. Who knows?”

Her forehead rests, dejected, on the steering wheel, but she forces herself to sound casual, like someone who doesn’t need this. “I hear ya. Keep me in mind when you do get there, okay?”

“Absolutely. You’re at the top of my list, so it’s good to know you’re interested.”

She swallows a lump in her throat. “Definitely. Just tell me when and where.”

“Will do. And I’ll let you know if anything comes up in the meantime . . . .”

His trailing period makes her think there may be something else, so Vira pauses a second, indulging in the fantasy that he will fill the silence with a job, but she gives up and says goodbye. With a sigh, she hangs up, muttering, “It was a long shot, anyway,” into the blank, shining face of the smartphone. Her mother’s last tour is scheduled to return in about ten minutes, so Vira leaves her phone in the glove compartment and heads down to the docks in her bathing suit. At this time of year, the water temperatures around Kodiak hover at about 55ºF, though they get warmer each passing summer. Most casual swimmers on the shore still wear trunks, but tourists with weighted boots and full-body pressure suits venture farther, with the help of licensed guides, into the frigid depths of the Gulf of Alaska.

Her mother Bárbara is one of the tour guides. Just part sirenx by way of her grandmother on her father’s side, Bárbara cannot dive to the same depths as Vira, whose father, a full-blooded sirenx, passed down his gills and compressible lungs before disappearing back under the surface. On the job, Bárbara wears a supplemental oxygen tank, but none of the high-tech gear her clients require. Her uniform consists of a bikini top and a flowing skirt made from seaweed so that when she swims around, her long hair flows behind her in the current, and the tourists think, “Wow, she looks like a mermaid!” A lot of the online reviews for Kodiak Gulf Floor Tours, Inc. read exactly like that. Every once in a while, someone comments, “Would’ve been better if she wore a tail.”

When Vira arrives, her mother hugs her close and whispers, “This is a testy bunch.”

With a fake smile for the tourists, Vira asks, “Want me to show off a bit?”

“Could you? I want to end the season on a high note.”

Everyone is already looking at Vira by then and pointing their underwater cameras at her. One arm propped on a signpost labeled Gray Whale Watchtower, she asks, “Y’all want a show?” She knows the helmets of their suits have noise-cancelling technology, in order to prevent auditory overstimulation from the engines of cruise ships and recreational boats sailing overhead. Still, the sight of her mouth moving underwater impresses them, and they can tell they are in for a treat. She waves them closer, smiling, then lifts off the gulf floor, twirling and somersaulting like a synchronized swimmer in an Esther Williams movie as their shutters click in unison. Earlier in the season, she might have been joined by gray whales on their migratory path to the Bering Sea. Today, the tourists must settle for some playful sea otters who join her on a lark, their long, sleek bodies corkscrewing through the water.

Sometimes, Vira thinks she has spent her entire life sitting in the audience, waiting, while other people pursue their dreams. As a child, she passed entire summers hanging out on Kodiak’s beaches, scanning the horizon for signs of her father, whose human name was Mateo; her mother never did learn his given name or the location of that underwater city she believes he returned to not long after Vira’s first birthday. “I got the sense that life down there was rather turbulent,” she said once, “and that people back home were expecting him to return and help fix things.” Maybe, once the troubles were resolved, he would return, and they could be a family again—at least, that was what Vira hoped. In her fantasies, her father was a tall, well-insulated man, strong enough to carry her around on his shoulders and yet soft enough to hug her and wish her good luck before a swim meet. In ninth grade, she tried out for the high school swim team, thinking that learning the human swim forms would build her endurance for future trips with her father. But almost as soon as the swim coach spotted her webbed fingers and shuttered gills, all hopes were dashed. It would be unfair, the other parents argued, for their children to compete against a merhuman hybrid. She would always have an advantage, they insisted—just look at those toes! Nevermind that Vira had never swum the butterfly in her life. Only after school, when applying for jobs, were her physical adaptations considered a benefit, not a frightening liability.

Employers love cutting costs. One $15,000 repair job for Vira could easily cost a telecom $400,000 once you account for the cost of dispatching the boats, the fuel, the salaries of the crew members—not to mention the collateral damage to businesses reliant on that connectivity and the environment soaking up all that diesel pollution. How much would you pay a merhuman to solve your problems?

“How would you feel if you paid $1,500 and didn’t even get a selfie?” Her mother’s boss, Benj, flings this question like mud as he follows Bárbara out the front door of the office. All their customers are gone, their tour gear stowed and credit cards charged so they can return to their big cruise ships and luxury hotel rooms, so now Benj and Bárbara are alone but for an administrative assistant blowing bubbles at the desk and Vira, sitting barefoot on the dock, dipping her toes into the gulf. He opens his hand, almost plaintive. “Just think about it from their perspective.”

Bárbara stops halfway down the dock and sighs. “I can’t control the whales, Benj.”

He smiles like someone who has heard this before and had time to fashion a good counter argument for it. “But you do speak their language,” he says, “and you can call to them.”

“That only works if they’re in range.” Her arm sweeps out to point northwest. “Most gray whales are all the way on the other side of the Aleutians by now.”

“That may be true, but you could at least call to them. Give the tourists a show.”

“They won’t be able to hear it, anyway.” She leans toward him, tapping the wet hair right above her left ear. “Noise-cancelling technology, remember?”

“Careful, Barb. You already have two strikes against you.”

“Come on. Be reasonable, Benj. It’s the end of the season.”

“And I’m trying to make sure we’re all still here next season, okay? It’s not like we’re the only tourist trap in town. These richie rich tourists expect us to pull out all the stops now.” Hands on his hips, he shakes his head and turns away from her, scuffing his shoes on the dock. When he spots Vira, he says, “Now here’s someone who knows how to put on a real show. Why don’t you come work for me, Vira?”

“I don’t know, Benj. Will you give me time off for better-paying temp gigs?”

He pushes his lips together and hums disapproval. “Let me think about it.”

Once in the car, her mother says, “Sometimes, this job isn’t worth it.”

Vira waits for a man with sunblock caked on his nose to pass before turning onto the road toward their apartment building. “Pay’s decent. And besides, it’s only a couple more weeks; then you can hunker down for the winter and catch up on your shows.”

“It can’t come quickly enough. I’m so tired of people looking at me. Pointing at me.” She hangs her head in her hands, then rubs her eyelids with her fingertips. For her, the transition from blinking underwater to walking around in the bright sun often causes bad headaches. Her hybrid eyes must adjust to that light and pressure, the spherical black lenses able to process much more information on the periphery than the flat lenses of humans. In the past, the difficulty of the transition had caused several car accidents after work. Now, Vira picks her mother up and listens to her vent about work five days a week (six during peak season). Bárbara leans back and sighs with closed eyes. “Sometimes, I wish I could disappear. Or that Benj would disappear.”

At a stoplight, Vira studies her mother. “I noticed he called you Barb.”

“I hate it when he does that. Like we’re friends.”

Only after they parked did Vira ask, “What did he mean, two strikes?”

“Oh, don’t worry, honey. You know how some men love their power trips.”

Her mother always says “some men” in order to exclude Mateo from critiques. Even after twenty-four years of complete silence, she still considers him beyond reproach. “Your father was unfailingly kind,” she explained once, when Vira asked the fateful question: Why? Why would he leave us? “He wouldn’t disappear without a good reason. I bet he’s out there right now, planning our reunion.” This capacity for selective optimism always surprised Vira, who learned at an early age how to interpret her mother’s moods. After a long day she liked to be the first one inside their apartment, so she could settle down alone, removing her shoes and socks and massaging that tender spot between the toes where the boots pinched the webbing. On days like this, Vira lingers outside, checking the air pressure in the tires, chatting with the elderly lesbians who live upstairs, considering whether she might hike across the Pacific like that Japanese spider crab and what the consequences would be if she did.

Half an hour later, she decides to head inside, and that’s when she finds it: the missed call from Dave, followed by a message saying, Call me back? I think I’ve got a job for you . . . .

Nothing is without risk. Her work is no exception. Once, on a rare multi-week contract to repair fiber-optic spurs off a ring around the North Slope, she dipped under an iceberg floating in the Chukchi Sea and met with the gaping maw of a polar bear hunting in the freezing waters. In a sprint, that sleek white bear was almost as fast, but not nearly as well fed, and she was able to pull away from the mother, whose cub huddled on a nearby iceberg, gnawing at its paws. From a safe distance, Vira watched the mother surface, sopping wet fur hanging low and thin, like the threadbare strands of seaweed in her mother’s work skirt. In emergencies like that, Vira had been instructed to press a gray button in the locator device on her wrist, which served as GPS, beacon, and—if she happened to be in range of a cell tower—a short-range communicator. Some lawyers in tailored suits had devised this precaution to protect her employers from liability, but in reality, such a device was of no use in dangerous situations. A predator could eat, digest, and excrete her before a medevac or rescue crew could reach her. Functionally, the device served one purpose: to alert the company to hire another contractor to complete the job. Thus far, Vira has never pressed that button.

“This job might change that,” Dave warns on a call. “It’s the riskiest gig I’ve ever seen.”

“That’s why you’re paying me triple,” Vira says. She has already signed the contract; this pre-departure check-in is just a formality, a means of assessing her mental fitness before he signs off on the paperwork, authorizing payment of $50,000 on completion of the assignment.

His breaths whistle slightly, like a deflating balloon. “Are you sure you’ll be okay?”

“You know as well as I do I’m the only one who has a hope of surviving at that depth.”

“Still. 15,000 feet sounds like a lot. I keep picturing you getting crushed or eaten by some deep-sea leviathan.” His voice trembles dramatically, as if narrating the trailer of a black and white B-movie with rudimentary special effects.

“You know my people come from the ocean, right? We’ve lived there for millennia.”

“Technically, we all come from primordial oceans. That’s evolution. But this is 2036.”

“Yeah, and rent’s only getting more expensive. I need this job to pay my internet bill.”

He snorts at the astronomical cost of connectivity in rural Alaska. “Good luck with that.”

“Does that mean I’m cleared?” She crosses her fingers as she waits for him to say yes.

“Plane’ll be there in the morning. 8 AM sharp. It’ll take you as far as Chirikof. After that, you’ll be on your own.” He dwells on this point for longer than she does. “Try to make it back to Kodiak in one piece, okay? I’d hate to have to replace you.”

What she promises him and what she promises her mother and herself are entirely different things. Her mother would like her to take this opportunity to seek information about her father and the mysterious city he called home. Bárbara would have her ask each passing mammal if they’ve seen a merman fitting his description. “About six foot three, brown skin, hair pulled up in a topknot and tied with a ribbon. Once went by the name of Mateo and married a merhuman of mixed Bolivian and white descent—might’ve talked at length about her legs. Ringing any bells?” Nothing would embarrass Vira more. Beyond fixing the break, her plan for this excursion was simple: explore. Familiarize herself with the terrain. Figure out whether she could survive, not just at this depth, but with the creatures who called it home. Would her lungs implode? Would the bioluminescent squid enchant her into making a home underwater?

A part of her longs for it: the quiet, the freedom from human life.

She barely says a word on the flight to Chirikof. She cannot bear it.

Only after the seaplane drops her off and coasts to shore to refuel does she feel safe. Now the hard work can begin. First, she checks her GPS coordinates, noting her latitude and longitude (55°43’58.7”N 155°31’11.1”W). Her target is approximately thirty-five miles south, near the dark mouth of the Aleutian Trench, where a subsea fiber line connecting Seward, Alaska to Hokkaido, Japan had been placed only nine months prior. No wonder the company wants to keep this repair quick and quiet, she thinks, descending into the pitch-black waters of the North Pacific. Here, she wears a full body swimsuit reinforced with Kevlar to protect against shark attacks, a sensor array capable of detecting motion within 150 feet and flashing light at frequencies known to repel apex marine predators, and that all but useless monitor on her wrist, which she continues wearing only because she hates littering and would not leave this trash for her people to clean up.

At no point during the descent does she expect to meet one of her kind.

It comes as a surprise. A flutter of fin on the bottom of her foot. A nibble on her shoulder as she follows the line of broken subsea cable down the jagged slopes of the Aleutian Trench. She flails at the touch and briefly loses her footing. It takes her a moment to calm down.

“Who’s there?” She flicks on the floodlight of her headlamp. “Show yourself.”

On her second survey of the area, she spots a merperson poking her head out from behind a towering rock spire that may once have been a volcanic vent. With her body hidden by the rock and her hair pulled back into a net adorned with a single seashell, she resembles a dreamy singer-songwriter posing for an album cover in the nineties. “Deep apologies for attempting to eat you,” she says. “Your suit makes you look like a seal.”

“No worries. Just don’t try it again, okay?”

“Okay. My English name is Pod. Do you like the sound? Pod.”

“I do,” Vira says, dimming the light, “but it’s not my place to judge your name.”

Pod comes forward to inspect Vira and her lamp. “What name have you chosen?”

“My name was given to me. It’s in honor of Viracocha—an ancient Incan deity.”

“He who rose from the lake and brought the light,” Pod says, as if recalling a textbook.

“How do you know him? I didn’t think that the northern and southern merpeople talked.”

“We rarely do, but my teacher told us all about him.” She circles Vira, studying the straps on her waist, the translucent case of the sensor array that knew before Vira did that Pod was not a predator. She appears to delight in the shortness of Vira’s hair and the way it sways in the waters, like stubby strands of brown kelp. Her eyes flash with revelation. “Have you met my teacher? He spent time on land.”

“Probably not. Most of the merpeople I’ve met work for fisheries, reducing bycatch.”

Pod sulks a bit and then fixes Vira with wide, iridescent eyes. “Can I trust you?”

This is it, Vira thinks. I’m finally going to visit an underwater city. “Yes.”

“Good. Now, turn off your lamp,” Pod says, offering a hand. In the dark, she guides Vira, warning her about the spines of snailfish, the plumes of hydrothermal vents, the red tentacles of a giant squid passing overhead, its angry black eye fixed on something far off in the distance. First, they walk down the slope, tracing the line of cut fiber. Then, when the rock falls away under them in a sharp cliff, the women begin to swim, following the curve of the cable as it disappears into a recessed cave in the wall of the trench. Someone had to have brought the cable there, Vira thinks. Someone cut it on purpose. All concern as to why dissipates after Pod leads her through a tunnel, into the hollowed mountain she calls home. From a ledge, they look out at a gleaming city full of elaborate spires and shimmery sea glass, illuminated with electricity generated by hydrothermal vents. It expands before them for what seems like miles. “Welcome,” Pod says, “to Atxuni.”

In one of the few photographs of her father in existence, Vira is still a newborn. A yellow baby blanket swaddles her, so soft and fuzzy that it makes her look like a baby duck with her feet tucked under her feathers for warmth. Her eyes are open, their mottled irises pointed up at Mateo smiling down at her, his face tilted at an angle she cannot remember. Her only memories of her father have been manufactured from photographs like that, with the camera tilted, the light shifted in her mind, so she can believe she was precious to him. He loved you, her mother always insisted, but even as a child she picked up on the use of the past tense, as if love was like oxygen: essential on land but quick to dissolve once he slipped under the surface. All her life, even during the summers when she waited for him on the beach, she harbored a bitterness toward him, a hard, unyielding part of herself that accepted none of her mother’s high-minded excuses for his sudden departure. His people needed him. He must have been a great leader, or maybe a doctor. Early in the tour of Atxuni, Vira asks Pod if she knows anyone by his description, anyone who mentioned becoming a father on the surface, but Pod says no—to her knowledge, no one has left the city for the surface in more than a generation. “Of course, this is not the only city in the trench. There are dozens of others. You should ask there, too.”

“Maybe I will,” Vira says, knowing this will be a journey for another day.

“Feather might be able to give you a map. Or at least point you in the right direction.”

Feather, thinks Vira, imagining a flying fish. “Has everyone here taken English names?”

“Just Feather’s students. He came here on an exchange program from one of the Southern Water Cities. He used names to teach us other languages and dialects. In our English unit, no one liked the traditional human names he suggested, so we all decided to invent our own.” She rattles off some of the names: Flame. Rattle. Disco. Optic.

“I wonder what I would have picked,” Vira muses, staring up at a winding spire.

“Ooo, let me guess.” Pod considers her for a long moment before saying, “Green tea.”

With a laugh, Vira shakes her head. “I was thinking something like Ice. Or—Iceberg.”

“Iceberg. Like the lettuce.” Vira grimaces, but Pod beams. “Ready to meet Feather?”

Before Vira can respond, Pod parts a curtain of seaweed doubling as a gate and shows her Atxuni’s political province, which stretches out before them for the equivalent of several big city blocks before extending up the face of a cliff in five towers carved directly into the rock. Each of the towers rises a hundred or more stories, recalling the skyscrapers Vira has seen only on screen (Kodiak being a relatively short, modest town in comparison to, say, Chicago). At the base of the third tower, Pod says, “We’ll have to swim to reach my office.” In the water, her body is sinuous and patient, pausing frequently to give Vira time to gaze about in wonder and ask questions, such as: “What are the signs on the sides of the towers?” Pod translates: “These indicate the level and the associated conclave and council. For example, this is the Subduction Refugee and Climate Crisis Conclave. And these next ten levels are the Houses of Grievances and Amends. You might have to visit these to figure out who cut your fiber line and how to fix it.”

Treading water, Vira asks, “Should we go now? Make sure this gets on the docket?”

This word, “docket”, puzzles Pod, and she shakes her head. “No, there is never a line.”

“Oh,” Vira says, with a self-conscious laugh, then follows Pod up to her office within the Conclave of Edification and Inquiry. Nothing inside the building reminds Vira of an office on the surface—those sad gray boxes people fold themselves into day after day, year after year, as if production was the main goal of their one precious life. Where she expects desks, whiteboards, and rolling chairs, she sees glass bubbles large enough to fit two people, each one outfitted with a screen whose liquid surface ripples like plasma. Most lie dormant, but one displays images on it, which she realizes are projected by a device that resembles the horn of a gramophone. From this, she detects a strange, complex hum, never repeating, impossible to predict. Out of curiosity, Vira calls out to Pod, asking, “What is this?”

Helplessness subsumes Pod’s face as she searches for a suitable word. “A . . . telephone?”

“But it sends images,” Vira says. She kneels down to better study the mechanics.

“Yes. It . . . encodes and decodes them.” Pod points to a resonant tube. “Here.”

“Ingenious. It’s like our fiber-optic cable, but with directed sound waves.”

An unfamiliar male voice behind her says, “An apt observation.”

Feather. Pod hugs him and says, “I am glad you are still here. I brought a visitor.”

“Hello,” Feather says, extending a hand to Vira in a motion that feels novel and practiced, like something he learned in a sociology class about surface-dwellers. “Where are you from?”

“Kodiak.” Uncertain if he knows it, she elaborates, “About 200 miles from here.”

“You are practically a local, then. Is this your first time to one of our cities?”

Before Vira can nod, Pod interjects, “I found her near the cut fiber line.”

No part of this startles him, Vira notes. He says, “I figured they would send someone.”

“And here I am.” She flaps her arms at her sides, feeling very ordinary, the exact opposite of magnificent in this remarkably shining city. Now that she’s here, Vira realizes she would have preferred come to Atxuni in her own time, on her own terms, without the logo of a multi-million-dollar business emblazoned on a device on her wrist; but that isn’t the case, and she still has a job to do. She hopes they both understand this. “You wouldn’t happen to know who cut the fiber and why, would you? I only ask because they sent me to fix it, and if I do and it gets cut again they’re going to get mad, and that could be very bad for me and for the secrecy of this place.”

“We are not a secret. We are just too expensive to invade. But your point is taken.”

“So . . . do you know who cut the fiber line?” She suspects he never gets his hands dirty.

“I do. Our team worked with engineers from the Conclave of Machinery and Innovation.” He explains at a high level the desire to explore methods of transmitting data over long distances, such as the many thousands of miles between Atxuni and the Southern Pacific Water Cities. “We expect this capability will be critical when the climate refugee crisis accelerates.”

“And since light travels faster than sound, you want to switch to our fiber technology.”

“No.” He says this in the firm, decisive tone of one who has already secured consensus in that regard and will not reconsider the matter. “But we were glad of the opportunity to study your technology up close. Until recently, most fiber lines avoided this trench, making a controlled and secure study untenable. This new line allowed us to learn much in a short period of time.”

“Does that mean your study is complete? I can repair the line?”

“By all means,” he says, with a slight bow of the head.

“No offense, but: do you have the authority to approve that?”

Feather and Pod exchange quizzical looks. “I am the Primary of the Conclave,” he begins by way of explaining his position. “To you, that would be akin to the head of a major department in your nation’s government.”

“Like the Secretary of Education.”

“Precisely.”

“But you said another conclave was involved?”

“In cases of collaboration and partnership, the one speaks for the whole.”

What she says is, “Okay,” but what she thinks to herself is, That sounds like a really good way to silence dissent and create a false sense of unity. That does not seem to be Feather’s intent, but she is wary of believing Atxuni to be perfect, idealizing a place she has never lived because it appears to have solved problems no one can even be bothered to acknowledge in her society. She sighs at the thought of going back, but it must be done. She has a job to do, but she doesn’t know how to say goodbye. “Well, that solves that. No need to go to the House of Grievances, after all.”

“Oh no.” Pod’s voice deflates with disappointment. “You’re not leaving already?”

“It’s a long swim back. I should probably just fix the line and get going.”

“No, no,” Feather and Pod say in unison. He assures Vira, “We can speak to the Conclave of Transportation about chartering a submarine. It will cut your journey down considerably.”

“Are you sure? That sounds expensive. And it’s really not necessary. I can manage.”

“We insist,” Pod says. “You are our cousin from the surface. You should see the city.”

“And I know a team of engineers who would love to talk to a technician of your caliber.”

“I’m basically a mechanic with strong lungs,” she says, knowing they will protest, feeling perhaps for the first time in her life that she might be more than just a telecom tech, a gig worker, perpetually at the mercy of the economy and the vicissitudes of executive decision making. Here in Atxuni, her unique talents matter more than they ever have before and perhaps ever will again. She agrees to speak with the civic engineers about their plans for longitudinal transmission tubes. Over dinner, they discuss fault lines, hydrothermal capture, the manner in which kelp or seaweed can be processed and extruded into delicate beds of noodles for the raw fish slices served to them on plates of smoothed sea glass. Floating down an alley, marveling at the intricate tile mosaics of squid and spiny dogfish, she finds herself thinking, I could live here, then stopping herself with a familiar question: What about Bárbara?

On the submarine ride to Kodiak, she studies the holographic map Feather gave her of the Northern Pacific Water Cities, which stretch across the vast expanse of the ocean from Tokyo in the west to Panama City in the east, from the Aleutian Trench in the north to the equator dividing north and south. It would take years—decades, even—to search these Water Cities for her father Mateo, and there would be no guarantee of finding him. She could be in the same city as him, rest on a bench as he swims overhead mere feet away, and still miss him. He could be in Atxuni right now, going on with his life without her. Her father, the abandoner. Only after Feather handed her the map Pod promised did Vira realize part of her was invested in the fantasy that Pod was going to accidentally reintroduce her to Mateo; that theirs was to be a narrative of coincidence, reunion, maybe even forgiveness—but that is not this story, she admits. That is just her seeking an answer to a question asked long ago: Why did he leave me?

Her submarine pilot asks a better question: “Are you planning to return to Atxuni?”

“I think so. I’m not sure when, though. I have a lot of things to take care of.”

He hums his understanding. “Is life on the surface very complicated?”

“Very.” Not wanting to think about it, she turns to watch the submarine’s mechanical fins gliding effortlessly though the cold water. Forward and back, forward, back. Unlike human-made submarines, with their tin-can aesthetic, mersubmarines were shaped like humpback whales, with extended pectoral fins and a soft, slumped belly, allowing the sub to curve and to circulate water. Like most mertech, the sub was powered by a combination of trapped hydrothermal energy and a perpetual circulation machine activated by ocean currents. Out of the water, the sub, like the holo map Feather provided, would cease to function. She zooms in again on the Aleutian Trench cities and asks the pilot, “Are all water cities as beautiful as Atxuni?”

“All the ones I’ve been to. Some even more so.”

“Which one would you recommend visiting?”

“For you? Qirz. It’s a domed city with waterfalls and beautiful gardens; their Conclave of Hybridity has done wondrous things marrying mertech and human mechanical engineering.”

“It sounds like they should be overseeing the longitudinal transmission project.”

“Oh, all the trench cities work together. But Atxuni was closest to the fiber.”

“Makes sense,” she says, though she has more questions than time to ask them.

The pilot pulls up in front of Gray Whale Watchtower, and Vira has to say goodbye.

Almost as soon as she sets foot on Kodiak, dread seeps into her heart, heavy and familiar. How will she explain her experience in Atxuni to Bárbara? And should she even try? Her mother cannot survive at such depths. She cannot swim that trench or embark on an endless quest to find Mateo—that gilded, glorious image she manufactured of him so that he could never possibly live up to her expectations. Still, if there was any possibility of reuniting with her long lost lover, Bárbara would have taken it without question. On bad nights when Vira was just a kid and had to peel her mother out of a depression in the couch, Bárbara would sneer, “I shoulda sent you to live at your cousin’s in the Lower 48; then I wouldn’t be in this mess.” This mess meaning the trappings of paying for an apartment and a mouth to feed, plus whatever trouble she had gotten herself into drinking or gambling. If Bárbara knew Vira had a connection to Atxuni, she would try her best to capitalize on it. Arrange submarine tours. Bring back mertech.

No, decides Vira. She will not tell Bárbara what happened.

Before heading home, she stops at Dave’s office to return her locator device and check on throughput post-repair. “Another excellent job, Vira—we’re back up to a total of five terabits per second,” he boasts, pointing to real-time data visualizations on his screen. Hair still dripping over her right shoulder, she watches Dave perform the final tests to confirm satisfactory completion of the job. While he completes the requisite forms, he asks a question for which she has prepared an answer: “So, what do you think did it?”

“Earthquake debris. You know how volatile the Aleutians are. Surprised you built there.”

“Yeah, well.” He shrugged, filing the paperwork away. “That’s above my paygrade.”

With a laugh, she says goodbye with a wave. “Call me next time it breaks.”

He nods and salutes her with two fingers. “You got it.”

Outside, Vira pauses to enjoy the warm sun on her dry clothes and the $50,000 super rush job rate soon to hit her bank account. With that kind of money, she could take the rest of the year off and explore the other trench cities on Feather’s holo map. As she walks home in the perpetual August light she thinks, I just might. Why not? She’s young—just twenty-three going on twenty-four—and she’s grown tired of Kodiak, the high cost of milk, the looks white people in particular give her when they notice her gills. For the first time, she thinks she knows what made her father abandon his new family.

He wasn’t a hero, she realizes. He just wanted to feel like he belonged.

Fixing the System in Tilt Town

When I was little, my parents died trying to reach Lady Luck. My brother Maynard says the journey was hard back then. These days, it’s easier for people to worship at her feet.

What she demands as sacrifice isn’t so straightforward.

“There’s nothing for him in this town.” Maynard’s voice is bitter as he watches Clay skip off to school on his ninth birthday. My nephew is a sweet boy, all shining hazel eyes under a thatch of curly dark hair that reminds us of his late mother. She died when Lady Luck frowned on her, but nobody mentions that. It’s just one of those things.

A few days ago, I tried to show Clay how I wanted to streamline the house’s microfiltration system, but Maynard told me to cut that shit out. Clay is destined for greater things. In two months, the boy will enter the education lottery and then he might be able to get out of here.

“It’s not fair,” Maynard continues. “Getting that bitch Luck to smile ain’t easy for people like me. Not these days.”

My brother lapses into a stony silence. I’m loath to break it. I turn my eyes without moving my head, checking on Gran. She’s blessedly asleep.

Maynard picks up one of my stray models I meant to put away. Wires twist intricately through a pair of oversized buttons, each one representing airflow—the beginnings of an idea I have, if I ever get to design it. Maynard’s broad thumb crushes the delicate thing. Wires bend beyond recognition as he continues to ruminate.

“Clay needs an extra boost,” he declares. “Something to get him through that lottery and into the City, where he’ll have more chances.”

Under the table where my brother can’t see, I let my hands and toes fidget. “A visit to Lady Luck?” I whisper.

“Damn straight.” Maynard bares yellowed teeth in a kind of smile. “We’ll leave in three days.”

We?

Maynard reveals more of his teeth as he preempts my next question. “You’re coming with me, Cassie. Gran, too.”

“What about Clay?” I ask.

“He’ll stay in town. It isn’t a problem finding someone to look after him for a month.”

Once my brother makes a decision, nothing sways him. Fear of the unknown rivets me to the hard plastic chair. But a shiver of excitement lurks underneath.

I’ve always wanted to leave town. There’s nothing for me here, either.

The hours tick down to our departure. I can’t shake my unease. I’ve mapped out our journey a dozen times, tracing the way past other towns all the way to the ocean. Lady Luck lives at the edge of the water, near enough the City to constantly watch over its unmoving houses, high walls, and thick gates.

To get to her, we’ll have to pass perilously near Tilt Town.

Tilter streets are crooked gashes across steep hills, nothing like the neat layout of normal towns. Instead of balancing on treads and wheels, their dwellings cling to the soil any which way they can, because the earth often shifts underneath Tilt Town.

That’s how the place got its name. The inhabitants must constantly be ready to readjust the slant of their living quarters, to recut stilts and shore up bedrooms and kitchens so they can sleep and eat without rolling sideways.

Maynard says the Tilters don’t worship Lady Luck hard enough, even though they practically live at her feet, and that’s why none of them are successful. When I misbehaved as a kid—which was often—he’d threaten to send me there. Now, even though I’m long past the days of overt meltdowns, the thought of Tilt Town makes me shiver.

Across the room, near the driver’s capsule, Gran moans from her recliner. I’m glad for an excuse to fold the map. The house sways slightly on its treads as I fetch a precious measure of water. Maynard says it doesn’t matter at this point if Gran ingests microplastics, so he forbade me to use the house’s inbuilt filtering system for her. Instead, I take out one of my homemade contraptions, decanting a small amount into Gran’s favorite cup. Her lips press against worn enamel. She can barely manage to drink by herself these days.

I wish Gran and I could stay behind with Clay, but Maynard is right. Nobody here would take us in.

I hold Gran’s bony hand and explain our upcoming journey. With her, I always presume competence. I taught Clay to do the same, even though Gran is mostly listless, gazing out the window into our yard, where we manage to cultivate a crop of hardy vegetables.

But when I tell Gran we’re going to see Lady Luck to help Clay get out of here, her filmy blue eyes clear and harden.

“No, Cassie,” she tells me. “No.”

Maynard is dismissive of Gran’s reaction. “She loved Clay and wanted the best for him,” he snaps. “We’re leaving tomorrow, come hell or high water.”

I don’t push, because now that Clay is old enough to be more independent, Maynard gets stressed out by me still living with him. Gran and I, we’re a lot. That’s what he says when he’s fed up.

Maynard is a pillar of the community, a deputy police chief, so his word carries weight around here. But that isn’t enough to guarantee Clay a spot in the City.

Lady Luck must smile on my nephew for that.

In the living room, all my magazines are stacked in order. My precious parts are laid out in perfect lines, ready to be packed for our journey. A graphite filter sits next to a hunk of solar panel I salvaged from the town dump. I have screws, wires, nets, bits of metal, and a box of tools. I make sure to pack everything safely away before Maynard comes in. He hates it when I mess around trying to invent stuff, because then I have less time to clean and look after Gran.

But later, after I’ve read Clay a bedtime story and tucked him in, Maynard pulls me aside. “Do one more check of the house, Cassie. Make sure the engine and treads are good so we’re ready to roll tomorrow.”

I can’t help but smile. He wouldn’t have asked if he didn’t trust my mechanical know-how. Maybe Lady Luck will smile upon me, too.

The morning of our departure dawns hot and bright, a reminder that fire season starts soon. Five years ago, everyone had to drive their houses to the town’s auxiliary parking lot and hunker down to avoid a nearby blaze. That’s the furthest I’ve ever traveled.

Until today.

I make a bet with Clay, wagering that he’ll grow at least half a centimeter while we’re gone. If he doesn’t, he’ll give me his best marble. If he does, I’ll craft him a new toy.

He asks for an airplane, lips turning up in that amazing little smile of his. We rush to measure him against the doorframe once more, and then he heads to school, waving three times at the gate—once for each extra hug I gave him this morning.

I watch him until he’s out of sight.

Maynard makes me pick the vegetables from our garden, even though it’s too early. Half of them are severely underripe, but he says better us getting them than someone else. Then Maynard starts up the house’s engine and we roll out toward the town’s front gate.

I hang out a side window, a kind of freedom blowing through my hair. Even before Gran needed fulltime care, I didn’t get out and about much. I was always the weird girl, the annoyance at the edges who broke the social rules over and over until it was better for me to stay out of sight, out of mind.

Sometimes it feels like I’m not really part of the community anymore, but maybe that’s unavoidable in a town where people prize individualism above all.

Old Ulrich who guards the gates gives me a look I’m used to, somewhere between pity and contempt. His gaze flickers over Gran in her recliner. I watch uneasily as Ulrich’s lips twist.

“May it be enough.” Ulrich nods at Maynard and turns his gaze toward the distance again, watching for interlopers who might try to infiltrate the town, or steal our vegetables, or whatever interlopers do.

The gate shuts behind us, and we’re truly on our way.

We drive west, watched with suspicion by the Ulrich-equivalents at each semi-identical town gate. On day four, we stop to repair one of the house’s treads. Then our sewage filtration system breaks down, but with a little fiddling, I rig up a fix that’ll hold us for the journey.

After two weeks of travel, the towns dwindle until we are surrounded by sere hills whose tan flanks guide us downward until we spot the ocean in the distance. I have never seen so much water in one place, except in pictures. But although the silvery-blue streak on the horizon is alluring, my eyes are drawn toward the jagged skyline of Tilt Town. At night, the town glows with a hellish flame from the pit on its outskirts, the depths burning endlessly. At school, we learned that’s because of an unholy combination of natural gasses and whatever the Tilters throw down there. My classmate Paisley said they threw in babies, and the teacher didn’t correct her.

“Aren’t you happy I didn’t ship your ass to the Tilters when you used to have all those tantrums over stupid crap like food textures and the wrong socks?” Maynard gestures to the wheel. “Take a shift. I need to stretch my legs.”

As I sit, Maynard slams the reinforced door behind him. Because of his job, he got extra security features for his house, so the driver’s capsule is wholly secure, like a commercial airplane’s cockpit of old. Or a panic room.

Later that afternoon, I feed Gran from her favorite cup, but she turns her head at every spoonful. My worry turns into fear. She’s growing weaker.

“Look,” I whisper. “We’re nearly to the ocean. In a few hours, we’ll see Lady Luck.”

Gran raises one bony hand in a weak signal, index finger extended. Maybe she’s trying to sign Go, but her hand splays, and falls, and it turns into more of a No.

We arrive near sunset. Lady Luck towers above us, easily ten times as tall as Maynard. She stands knee-deep in ocean water, the tide lapping at her pearlescent marble skirts. One hand is upraised, as if to offer consecration. The other holds the leash of a giant stone dog, green-hued and brindled with salt. Lady Luck’s thin lips press together, neither smiling nor frowning.

Yet.

I take a few careful steps onto the beach, searching the tideline for washed-up sacrifice. Maynard crunches past, leaving hard, deep footprints in the sand. He has a recent photograph of Clay, the one in which he’s grinning so hard we can see two lost teeth. Maynard stops at the water’s edge.

“See the dog?” he asks. “He and Luck always go hand in hand. He’s called Hard Work. Kind of like you.”

He laughs. I don’t. I have a bad feeling in my stomach, and it isn’t because I’ve been trying to eat the unripe vegetables from our garden.

“Maynard, what are you going to sacrifice?”

My brother kicks off his boots, rolls up his trousers, wades into the water. I want to do the same, to feel the luxury of liquid lapping around my toes, but I’m afraid of Maynard’s stance, and especially of the vicious buck knife he’s produced.

But I still trust him, don’t I?

“Go inside, Cassie. Get Gran ready to move.”

Habit makes me obey immediately. But halfway up the beach, I turn for a second look.

Maynard was the one who convinced Clay’s mother to keep the baby inside her until full-term, even though pregnancy was killing her. It was a necessary sacrifice, Maynard said. Lady Luck smiled on Clay and took his mother in exchange. But surely Maynard doesn’t mean to offer himself to the statue.

I pick up my pace. I rush indoors to shift Gran into her wheeled mobility chair. But she kicks, rocking perilously side to side, and I’m afraid she’ll fall over—so I wedge her into the driver’s capsule between the heavy door and the wall, where she’s safest.

Then I crack open the window and watch Maynard wade up to Lady Luck, to the tiny altar of her skirt.

“Here, have it all!” he shouts, and with movements I don’t understand, he cuts the air nearby with a knife. A multi-colored aura hovers around the outline of his body, as if hesitating to leave.

“Take my dreams!” Maynard demands. “Take my ambitions!”

The aura coalesces and streams toward Lady Luck—a wonder of a moment, even if it isn’t mine to experience. It reaches her marble in a riot of color and settles effervescently into her skirt folds before glowing upward.

When the light reaches her face, Maynard holds up the photo of Clay, and Lady Luck’s stern lips lift into a smile focused at the boy.

I should be happy. This could be enough extra luck for Clay to get into the City. But I think, maybe once your own ambitions are all tied up in other folks, the only thing left to do is enforce them.

And Maynard doesn’t look satisfied.

Sound carries near water, so I hear Maynard mutter, “Forgive me for what I’m about to do.”

I realize, with a cold bolt of certainty, why the townsfolk averted their gazes as we rolled out of town. Why Ulrich pitied me at the gates. Maynard won’t stop at giving up his own dreams and ambitions.

He’ll sacrifice me and Gran, too.

I slam the capsule door shut. Jam my foot onto the pedal. We move at a crawl at first, but it’s enough to soothe Gran’s restlessness. She signs go. Go. Go.

Maynard’s after us, sprinting up the beach, sunset glinting orange off his drawn knife.

I activate the fireproof panels. They creep slowly downward, shooting the house’s fuel economy to hell. But we’re already in hell, so what does it matter?

The weight of Maynard’s body hitting the porch makes the house bounce on its treads. A warning light flashes on the dashboard as one of the panels halts.

My brother wrenches open the unlocked back door with a colossal bang.

He’s already bellowing threats, storming his way to the driving area, fists bashing against metal. He’s thwarted, furious, dangerous. A kind of fury stirs within me, too, something I haven’t been allowed for years. I want the best for Clay. But not at the expense of my own dreams—or Gran’s life.

I steer us uphill. Toward Tilt Town.

“Cassie!” Maynard bawls. “Come out right now!”

Defiance, long dormant, makes me crank the house’s speed to maximum. At the door, Maynard’s fists go ominously quiet. Footsteps creak down the hallway. They return faster than I’d like.

“Cassie,” Maynard says more quietly. “I have an axe. Open up now, or you’ll get hurt.”

When I was Clay’s age, Gran tried to teach me how to tell the difference between bluffing and truth.

“It’s not safe to assume everyone means well,” Gran said back when she could string sentences together coherently. “You’re a vulnerable type, Cassie. You need to be able to sniff out a lie.”

“Lies don’t smell,” I’d told her, and she’d looked up to the ceiling in despair. Then I’d gone back to my books and my inventions, neither of which are in the habit of being sneaky or untruthful.

Still, I didn’t turn out completely naïve.

When I open the capsule door to Maynard, I’m armed with the flare gun he keeps underneath the driver’s seat. Like a lot of things, it’s a relic of a bygone time. But it’ll scorch his face off if I shoot him at close range. Especially since he lied about the axe. He’s only got a hatchet.

“You’re not sacrificing Gran,” I tell him. “Or me.”

My brother scowls, but he backs away, moving to the side to let us pass as we reach the living room. I keep the gun pointed at his face as I bend to grab my box of personal possessions. I take a photo of Clay, too. Maynard sneers as I stow my stuff in the compartment underneath Gran’s mobility chair.

“Your inventions and books won’t keep you alive,” my brother says. “Not in Tilt Town.”

Maybe he’s right. But there are worse fates.

I wheel Gran backward with one hand. Thump her over the threshold, past the slender lines of ink that show Clay’s growth over the years. My throat is tight but my eyes are dry. I keep the flare gun pointed, even when the house begins to move again.

Maynard drives away, abandoning us at the side of the road as night descends.

I wheel Gran upward. There’s nowhere else to go, so we head in the direction of Tilt Town.

This terrifies me, but if I was wrong about my brother, what else could I have been wrong about? Old aspirations stir at the edges of my mind like long-forgotten fever dreams. Maybe I could get a job, a real one—not just cleaning and looking after Clay and Gran.

I used to read job advertisements in the magazines that found their way to us. I’d narrow them down to what a town’s education qualified me for. I wanted to be a research assistant. Anything above that required me to have been lucky enough for a college education. But Maynard told me I shouldn’t apply. People like me talk wrong, act wrong, think wrong. I’d never fit in, so why bother?

The road is steep, and the night is moonless. Far behind, Lady Luck still glimmers with Maynard’s sacrificed dreams. In the hills ahead, the pit casts its orange smolder against distant rooftops. The wheels on Gran’s chair squeak until I have to hum under my breath to balance out the painful sound. There’s no Maynard to scold me for making annoying noises.

But soon, I’m exhausted and dizzy, and Gran is moaning.

I push us onto the road’s shoulder and lift Gran from her chair, making sure her head doesn’t droop forward and block off her windpipe. We sink to the ground and I cradle her to me. She is so weak. Even when I explain what’s going on, she only twirls my hair gently, in a movement that’s somehow both a baby’s questing hand and a mother’s soothing touch.

There’s no point fearing the unknown when death is already in my lap. The chill of the night keeps me from sleeping soundly, but I drop into an occasional doze.

When dawn breaks and I shudder awake for the final time, Gran is dead in my arms, and there’s a group of Tilters staring down at us.

Grief numbs my fear. I cannot speak. All I can do is hold Gran’s cooling hand.

The Tilters don’t look like devils or rapists, like Maynard used to call them. They wear homespun clothes and concerned expressions, and when they help lift Gran’s body into her chair, they’re gentle. We walk slowly into Tilt Town. I keep hold of Gran’s hand, half-expecting it to rise to sign for water, or food, or warmth. It stays still, no matter how I cling.

I’m homeless. No more Gran, no more Clay. I have to recalibrate. But how?

Tilt Town’s steep streets and stationary dwellings prove less threatening than I expect. People eye me curiously from doorsteps, but don’t ask prying questions. There’s no Ulrich equivalent to interrogate me, because there are no gates here.

I still can’t talk, so eventually, people call on someone named Big Joan.

“Come on,” Big Joan says, brooking no argument. She grasps Gran’s chair with hands twice the size of mine, and I follow her broad shoulders toward her residence: a trio of shipping containers loosely welded together. A ramp leads to her living room. Poorly-made pipes run the length of the room, connecting to the bathroom at the far end.

Big Joan pours me half a cup of water through an extremely inefficient filter.

“We get all sorts here, but most of them aren’t dead on arrival,” the woman tells me in a gruff contralto. “I know you’re in shock, but we gotta find a resting place for your loved one. Usually, folks opt to be recycled. Helps crops. Helps others live. Now and then, we get those who wanna be burned or put to the ocean. So, you decide which she would have wanted while I leave you be for a bit.”

Big Joan exits the room. While I think about Gran’s next steps, I reach for the filter. I have to keep my fingers busy. When I was a kid, I used to break things apart one bit at a time, until Gran gave me tools of my own. Then I turned destroying into fixing.

Tears blur my eyes as I lean past Gran to fetch my box of stuff. I need a focus, or I’ll drown in grief. I mend the handle of the portable filter and shore up the gaping left side, where microplastics could leak through. By the time Big Joan returns, I’m wedged under her sink, checking out the house’s rudimentary filtration system, which has major problems.

My fingers explore. My brain calms. Big Joan waits.

“Gran would want to be recycled,” I say when I recover the ability to speak. “She always tried to teach us to help others.”

“What’s your name?” Big Joan asks on the second day.

We sit in front of her living room container, our feet propped in the street. Tilters pass by, and each one nods to us. They don’t keep themselves to themselves here.

I lift my eyes. The town’s arable land lies in the mid distance. Gran’s body will contribute to the crops grown there. I remain silent for a few beats, considering Big Joan’s question. I don’t feel like who I used to be.

“Cass,” I finally say.

An hour ago, I finished my repairs on Big Joan’s house, and now there is no more risk of cross-contamination when the house recycles waste. Previously, she’d had been at high risk of dysentery or cholera. Her filtration system still isn’t perfect, but it’s much safer.

Fixing it kept me busy, but dread settles across my shoulders, weighing me down until I’m surprised the chair I’m perched on doesn’t snap into hundreds of plastic shards. Big Joan told me she often takes in newcomers for a day or two, just until they get on their feet. Now it’s time for her to thank me for my work and send me on my way. To where, I don’t know. I’m too numb to panic. Probably, I’ll find a spot nearby and wait to join Gran. Maynard was right. I have no clue how to live independently.

Then Big Joan speaks, and the chair doesn’t break, and everything in me is suddenly light.

“You’re good at fixing things, and I’m not. I’d like you to stay with me, Cass,” she says. “For as long as you want.”

Living with Big Joan gives me the luxury of my own time and space. The Tilters quickly get into the habit of bringing me City trash, which I occasionally turn into useful treasure.

Water is scarce, but the situation is worse here, because the shortage is exacerbated by position. Any rain the Tilters gets runs swiftly down to the City. I wander between propped-up dwellings and make notes on gradients and groundwater and revel in the fact that people here don’t interrupt my focus by demanding to know what I’m doing, is the house clean, and what’s for supper?

People here constantly rebuild, rejig, reshuffle. In the first month, the ground tilts three times. The movement is somehow both subtle and sudden. One moment, everything is normal. Then, without even seeming to move, the hill slants an extra quarter of a centimeter away from the City—as if the place is weighing down the world, making Tilt Town rise to precarious heights. The pit shifts ever-closer, throwing its light over everything.

At night, from the new balcony I welded to Big Joan’s upper level, I often stare in Lady Luck’s direction. When she glows from recent sacrifice, she lights distant pale walls, lending the City an extra moon’s worth of gentle whiteness. At times like that, her shadow falls across Tilt Town, dampening the constant orange glow of the pit. It’s an uneasy darkness, layered like a series of bloodstains seen only under UV light.

Seasons pass. I wouldn’t bother to count them if it weren’t for Clay.

By now, he’s twelve. When one of the Tilters manages to acquire premium internet, we crowd around a screen and carve up the time into precious minutes. One day, my curiosity becomes too much, and I make myself join in. My fingers fly over the keyboard. Clay’s name pops up almost immediately.

Maynard’s sacrifice was enough. Lady Luck got Clay a spot at a moderately prestigious City school. I move away from the screen, wracked with relief, with guilt, even with jealousy—but above all, I just miss my nephew.

He would have grown that half a centimeter by now. In my spare time, I craft him the airplane I’d promised. Not a flimsy toy, but a display model fit for the teenager he’ll soon become. Maynard always wanted him to like fighter jets or bombers, but Clay’s most treasured models were of commercial airplanes. When I finish, I carve the name of his favorite airline and flight number—one of the last ever flown—into the metal.

Then I wrap it carefully and Big Joan arranges for it to be delivered to his school in the City.

“Do you think he’ll like it?” I ask her.

“No point wondering,” she says from the kitchen, where she’s fixing up a batch of soup for a communal lunch. “You did as much as you have control over.”

Big Joan has people skills but not a ton of book smarts, and I’m basically the opposite. What we have, I tell her, is a symbiotic relationship, and she always makes sure to acknowledge observations like that with a serious nod before asking me if I’ve remembered to stay hydrated. I’m glad for her skills as I help carry bowls and utensils.

Today, we watch the news. Towns like my old one have begun developing slants of their own. There’s lots of talk about how to brace treads and build stronger gates.

It’s not a disaster yet, the talking heads claim. With enough sacrifice, Lady Luck will smile upon their own. Look at the City, they say. It’s slowly sinking, but they’re coping.

We’ll cope too, right?

Except we don’t.

Even my newest inventions cannot get Tilt Town enough water. It hasn’t rained more than a few drops for months. We’re all going thirsty and unwashed. I’ve done everything possible: maximized the efficiency of each wastewater system, rigged up extra nets to collect fog and dew, and set my solar desalinization stations to work overtime processing oceanwater.

We don’t have enough resources to collect our most-needed resource.

What hurts the most is the way people look at me as if I can fix this. In despair one night, I climb to the top of Big Joan’s roof with my telescope. Colonizing Mars is a ship that’s long since sailed, but watching stars reminds me that the universe is composed of more than just us and the City.

After a long time peering through a homemade telescope, I make out lights that aren’t stars. I frown, adjust lenses, and continue observation. The lights turn out to be small, state-of-the-art drones. They circle far above, a glittering, fine mesh stretching between them.

No wonder we’re not getting any water. The City is stealing our rain before it even reaches us.

We’ll all die if we don’t figure out how to change this.

Big Joan calls a meeting. Everyone in Tilt Town comes.

There’s an energy that flows in most humans, one that seems to be several parts sectarianism mixed with a large dash of magical thinking and a varying dose of self-preservation. When I announce that we’ve reached a tipping point, I expect resource-hoarding to commence and for me to be considered a burden again.

But nobody here is overly interested in maintaining the status quo.

So when I’m done explaining, everyone stays quiet. Even stranger, they look to me for a plan.

“I’ve thought a lot about seesaws,” I tell everyone haltingly, encouraged by the way Big Joan stands at my shoulder. “They’re logical, but they also taught me about human nature. When you’re light, and a heavy kid climbs onto the other side, they might fling you toward the stratosphere. That’s what the City’s doing. Maybe they don’t set out to do it, but it’s happening anyway.”

“Then what do we do?” a person shouts from the crowd, which has swollen to a size I never expected. We’ve gotten more town refugees lately.

“What can we do?” someone else mutters. “They can steal anything they like and call it their due.”

Big Joan steps forward before things get frayed. She thumps a fist against her heart.

“Everyone’s got something in them that helps a community. But they aren’t always given a chance to show it.”

People nod and shuffle at her words. This buys me time to talk about my calculations of force and mass. I arm the crowd with hard numbers, and then I tell them, flat out, the only thing that’ll fix this situation.

“It’s time to kill Lady Luck.”

We march toward the ocean, carrying what we need to topple the phenomenon that killed my parents and saved my nephew. I think of Clay a lot these days. I’m not one for magical thinking, but I choose to believe he got the airplane I sent. That he knows I’m still alive. That I love him.

Lady Luck stands thigh-deep in the water when we arrive, her skirts red with recent sacrifice. As a final act of self-preservation, she smiles upon me, and whispers into my mind that the City wants me, has always wanted me, I’m so smart, I’m so incredibly useful—but I’m done with Lady Luck’s foibles.

I gesture, and the Tilters come forward.

We haul Lady Luck off her pedestal, and the tenuous link between the statue and her dog breaks forever. The canine representation of Hard Work stands alone in the swelling tide as we drag Lady Luck up the steep hill, toward the glowing pit beyond. We’re sending her to hell.

By the time we reach the halfway point, we’re sweating and trembling with exertion. Lady Luck tries to work her magic on the hundreds of Tilters at her ropes. It could be you, she whispers in increasing desperation.

“Statistically improbable!” I take to shouting. A few take up the words, like a rallying cry. Others snap back with their own rejoinders.

“It’s never people like me,” my neighbor bellows, thumping marble with a walking aid.

“It should be all of us!” another person yells.

“No more sacrifice!” Big Joan puts her back into pulling.

The pit’s foul miasma hits us, and our breaths turn shallow. The fires below are fueled by City garbage and natural gasses, not Tilter babies like my classmate once claimed. We heave once more. Marble flashes.

A deep groan shudders through the earth as Lady Luck falls headfirst into orange flames.

Lady Luck is dead, and everything changes.

The land underneath Tilt Town begins to sink, levelling out with the City. Because the Tilters are so used to working as a community, we’re quick to save our dwellings. Big Joan rushes from place to place, only pausing when we see what’s happening to the walls over which Luck once smiled.

They shift, slowly but surely. The City’s foundations were never built on level ground to begin with, so its walls sag quickly to one side. People put their hands atop shoulders of children, pointing, saying: you may never see this again in your lifetime.

I know this is right, and I also know this is wrong. Like a seesaw unweighted, the earth underfoot continues to settle, and my thoughts turn to Clay. My sweet nephew with his quick smile. If I hadn’t had his growth to cherish alongside Gran’s slow deterioration and Maynard’s hard words, how would I have managed to keep my own balance for so long?

One Tilter sets up a projector and begins streaming footage. For the City, the world has flipped sideways. Walls are floors and floors are walls, and the gates stand wide open to the outside for the first time in centuries. I clench my hands into fists as I watch people run for their lives. I lean in close to the screen. Searching. Hoping. A drone camera zooms in on a group of students rushing toward the gates. They’re nearly there when a chunk of masonry smashes into their midst. The frontrunners are unscathed, but one of their fellows is trapped, legs waving, screaming for help. My stomach twists.

A sudden patter of rain cuts through our silence. The City’s drones have fallen, and people turn away from the screened drama, scurrying outside with their mouths open, salt-encrusted faces turned to a new sky as stolen, hoarded water falls in fat drops.

But I stay with the projector. Pause it. Rewind. Back to the falling masonry. Back to one student in particular, whose escape was narrow, almost miraculous.

I see the whites of his eyes underneath dark, curly hair. No bag or other possessions. Only a battered model airplane clutched in one hand.

I watch the brief footage over and over. I study the stoop of his shoulders, the direction of his gaze, the bend of his legs, the quick flex of his arm as he turns to look at his fallen fellow. Will he stay and help, or keep running?

The camera cuts away at the crucial point of Clay’s decision.

I rewind, but Big Joan touches my shoulder before I can hit play again.

“Let’s travel down to the gates together,” she says, “so we can aid whoever makes it out.”

The Blackthorn Door

 

Akari saw the restricted tree first.

Wrestling the Agency’s sleek sedan around the treacherous holes in Zimmerman’s pitted rural driveway held my full attention. We’d passed the mailbox fifteen minutes back, leaving me certain we’d missed a turnoff to the old man’s place—then Akari slapped the dash. “Frank! Pull over!”

Akari snapped off her seatbelt and lunged out the door into the bright summer heat before we stopped moving. Dust and ash-exhaust billowed over the car. My junior agent’s silhouette vanished in the rusted cloud. When the air cleared, I saw what she’d seen and fumbled my seatbelt off too.

“Is that a—?”

Betula pendula ‘Laciniata’.” She stepped aside as I joined her in front of the young tree. “Weeping birch. A Level Four restricted cultivar.”

Tendrils of leaves spilled over the pale bent trunk, curtaining it like stringy hair over the face of a cowering girl. I’d only seen this species in file photographs.

My partner puffed out an awed breath. “Just . . . growing out here on the side of the road!”

“I take it he doesn’t get many visitors.”

Akari took a sample, sealed it in a ziplock baggie. She sat with it smoothed out on her lap as I eased the sedan back onto the dusty road. Would’ve been nice if the Agency had given us a four-wheel drive for this job, but they’d started phasing them out on account of how much Thaum they burned. Punishing us because the rest of the world couldn’t keep their wands in their pants.

None of us had known how hard it would be to find Zimmerman. He was just another name on a shipment list. A wrist to slap. These sorts usually turned out to be crackpots meddling in Low Magic—nutters who thought they could achieve miracles with a stick of willow.

That tree, though? We were here to investigate a shipment of wood, not living trees. That tree had come from a cutting, and it must’ve been growing here for years. It spoke to forethought. I ran my thumb over the stinging-hot vinyl steering wheel. The office didn’t expect us to check in for another six days, and we’d left mobile reception behind forty minutes back. Still, maybe we’d have some news for them earlier than expected.

Akari must have been thinking along the same lines. “D’you think we’re onto something?”

“Maybe. One tree does not a thaumaturgical terrorist make.”

“Terrorist!” She laughed. “That’s a bit racist, Frank.”

I bristled. One tree may not make him a terrorist, but Vrata Zimmerman’s scant background information, his hectares of bushland in the middle of nowhere, and his name on a list of purchasers of restricted woods sure might. “Call it what you like—I call it sensible caution. He could’ve slipped into the country with the Thaum refugees—”

“—who’ve mostly integrated without any issues.”

We’d had this argument before. The new agents were all like this, fresh out of university packed to the gills with compulsory diversity units and doublethink. It wasn’t their fault—they hadn’t even been born back when the Thaum War ended and the flood of refugees began. They didn’t know what it had been like. “Tell that to the Fed Square victims.”

The kids remembered that all right. Akari looked away. “Turn the aircon down, will you?”

My long-sleeved business shirt clung damp to my back after our little botanical excursion. The old scar on my wrist pricked with sweat. “Put on your jacket.”

“Environmental vandal.”

My fingers tightened on the steering wheel, and then I caught Akari’s sidelong grin. It deflated my temper like a pin to a balloon, same as ever. “Latte-sipping tree-hugger.”

“Misanthropic dinosaur.”

The kid was all right. I never had any of my own—burned through a couple of wives, but no kids. You could do a lot worse than someone like Shoji Akari. She just had to remember to stick to her timbers, and let me handle the arseholes growing them.

We almost missed Zimmerman’s place. Tucked away in a grove of eucalypts, the low-slung jumble of timber extensions sprawled in every direction like an aboveground rabbit warren.

We crunched into the yard and parked beside an ancient boxy truck, its tray bristling with shards of eucalyptus bark. Ah, the trusty old inert eucalyptus. If our antipodean woods have any special properties, nobody’s been able to tease them out yet. They call Australia a thaumaturgical desert. There’s nothing here worth warring over—a curse that became a blessing when the Old Country forests burned. We don’t have Thaum, but we’ve got green trees of the ordinary kind, and blue skies, and clean air. And now every bastard wants a piece of us because half the world incinerated the forests of their enemies into ash but us, well, we’re only cooking slowly. The lucky country.

The sedan’s engine ticked. Akari and I stepped into the oven of late afternoon. I pulled on my jacket despite the heat. Patted my breast pocket to check for my badge, an old habit. Nothing broke the stillness of the place but the shrill of cicadas and the thump of Akari’s car door.

She stared at the house, a faint crease shadowing her smooth brow. “This place doesn’t look up to code.”

“No kidding.” I frowned at the tops of trees visible over the back of the low-slung house. I knew the hulk of a willow tree when I saw one.

In the cleared area in front of the house, a charred and blackened circle of ground indicated a recent fire. Ashy scraps of paper twitched in the hot sluggish breeze.

“Look at these timbers!” Akari bounced towards the house. “The window frames on that extension there—look at the colour, the grain. Is that yew? Where the hell did he get yew? Oh my god, and I think this door is golden ash . . . ”

Waving her quiet, I knocked on the honeyed wood. I fancied a shimmer of power tingled through my knuckles. Akari brushed a smudge of dust from her dark suit jacket.

The door opened wide. An old man peered out, hunched and tangled as a stunted willow. Watery mud-puddle eyes glimmered over small spectacles curtained between a tangle of grey hair and an unkempt long moustache in the Old Country style. He gave us a grandfatherly smile. Maybe it was the smell of fresh-cut wood that surrounded him, but for the first time in years I thought of Geppetto, the old carpenter from that kids cartoon that got banned after the War.

Akari relaxed beside me. I couldn’t blame her. This guy wasn’t a danger to anything but sugar cookies.

I flipped open my badge. “Mr Zimmerman? I’m Senior Agent Francis Sawyer, and this is Probationary Agent Shoji Akari of the Thaumaturgical Regulatory Agency, Division of Restricted Materials. We’d like to ask you a few questions concerning a shipment of timber you received in late November last year.”

The old man’s smile brightened. “Oh! I’ve been expecting you.” His accent was pure Old Country, as though he spoke with a large marble cupped on his tongue. “Please, come in. Come. I have ginger beer.” He turned from the door and shuffled back into the cool dim of the house before I could respond. A keyring at the belt of his trousers jingled like a cat collar in the gloom. I pocketed my badge and followed him into the narrow hall at a polite half-speed, casting a glance back at Akari.

Expecting us? she mouthed.

Most of the doors in the hall were shut, bar two at the end: a cramped kitchen and the stuffy, windowless sitting room Zimmerman deposited us in before he left to fetch drinks.

If something was amiss in the house, it wasn’t in this stark room. The elderly have what Akari would call a ‘gendered’ divide when it comes to mess. If there’s a woman involved, you’ll see doilies and pointless little china figures. You’ll smell polish. And once you’re sitting down, good luck getting up again through all the cushions and rugs and crap strewn around the place. Houses like those are clean but cluttered. This sitting room told me that Zimmerman had no woman in his life. The wooden furnishings were sturdy and finely made, but nothing adorned their surfaces except a layer of dust. In the far corner, a hutch held a white rabbit splayed out in a nest of straw, asleep, breathing in that rapid way rabbits do.

Akari and I perched on the edge of a settee with wooden arms carved to resemble ocean waves, as beautiful as the pea-green upholstery was ugly. I touched the timber waves. Perhaps this was the ultimate fate of that shipment of blackthorn. I glanced at Akari to confirm. She shook her head.

“He takes his doors seriously though,” she murmured. This room had two: the heavy hallway door we’d entered through, and what must have been the back door, a sliding screen made of some kind of translucent paper over a light lattice of wood, diffusing green daylight into the dingy room. Akari inclined her head to the open hallway door. “Notice anything weird?”

I frowned at it. “Frame’s reinforced with metal.”

“Oh,” she said. “I meant the doorknob. It doesn’t have one. Just a deadbolt on the other side.”

A little spasm of suspicion shot down my spine.

Akari nudged me and pointed at the other door. “It’s fine. He’s no Buffalo Bill, and that sliding door is practically plywood and tissue paper. You could huff and puff your way out of here, Frank.”

“I knew you kept me around for something.”

“It’s your sunny personality.”

Zimmerman shuffled back into the room, clutching two chipped mugs. He pressed these into our hands and eased himself down into the worn armchair with a sigh.

“Now,” he said at last, “best we talk.”

“It’s the blackthorn, Mr Zimmerman. Your name appears on a shipping regist—” The hall door slammed shut. I sloshed ginger beer onto my shirtsleeve. Beside me, Akari laughed, hand splayed across her heart.

Only Zimmerman seemed unfazed. “Again it does this! Perhaps this house has ghosts. When you are old, always you live with ghosts.”

Biting back annoyance, I rubbed at my wet sleeve, only half-aware of the rough circle of scar tissue under the thin cotton.

“Or, perhaps I have hung the door wrong.” Zimmerman got to his feet. “The frame is solid though. That is the important—ah!” He’d reached for the keys at his waist, but they weren’t there.

That little crease reappeared between Akari’s straight black brows as she studied the sturdy facade of the closed door. “Are we locked in?”

“No, no. We can get out through the back door.” He sat back down and gave Akari a sad smile. “My memory these days is not so good. You know how it is, when you walk through a door and forget what it was you meant to get.”

I let go of my wrist and splayed my fingers, fighting the urge to make a fist as my adrenalin ebbed. “Why the security, Mr Zimmerman? Are you expecting trouble?”

Zimmerman said, with utmost seriousness, “I do not like doorknobs.”

Christ. We were stuck with a batty old bloke from the Old Country who bought in a bit of illegal wood because that’s how things were back in his day. At his age he wouldn’t even get time, he’d only waste a lot of ours.

I cleared my throat. “To the matter of the wood . . . .”

“It has a name, this effect.”

“Pardon?”

“The forgetting, made by doors. This is the ‘event boundary’.”

“We need to talk about the wood.”

“Yes.” His voice hinted impatience. “I bought it. And many more such shipments before.”

Akari and I exchanged a glance.

“Whatever I could find, I tried,” Zimmerman continued, waving a knobbled and unconcerned hand. “But blackthorn is best for my purposes, you see.”

Akari put her drink aside and leaned forward. “And what are your purposes, Mr Zimmerman?”

“Forgetting. As I have said.”

“You were building . . . doors?”

“Let me start from the beginning,” said Zimmerman. “Let me start from the war.”

I suppressed a sigh. Sure, let’s go back thirty-five years and listen to this senile old man’s life story. We TRA agents had nothing better to do with your tax dollars.

Ever the good cop to my bad one, Akari fished a notepad from her jacket pocket and studied the old man, pen poised to strike.

“In the Old Country, I was a carpenter.” He paused, his eyes moving from Akari’s face to mine. “I know what you are thinking. I was not part of the development of large-scale thaumaturgy, and I wanted no part in it. A brute goes first to force, and misses finesse. You see. This energy in the woods, it can bring light, and it can bring warmth, but the Steuernden sought only to bring fire. I lived on the coast with my family and used Low Magic to make furniture, seeking always to learn what shape the woods wished to become, and what gifts were locked in these forms.

“When we began to lose the war—when the United Forces bombed the Schwarzwald-Projekt base and killed most of the High Thaumagi—the Steuernden soon came looking for everyone else who worked wood. They were not asking.”

I pressed my lips together and raised my empty mug to my face to hide my expression. There’s not a Thaumagus alive who doesn’t squeal about how pure and innocent they were during the war. The rapt attention on Akari’s face made her seem childlike. It left me with a twinge of something like exasperation, something like affection. I bet she was one of those kids who brought home any half-dead wild animal she found and then cried when the thing bit her.

“My wife died early in the war,” said Zimmerman. “Always she was ill, and soon the food and hospital bed shortages—well. It was only my daughter and I left when I heard the Steuernden were sending troops. So we ran, all the way to the other side of the world. I gave my life savings to a man with a ship and we came across the ocean, and your border patrols picked us up and put us in a refugee camp. For three years we—”

“Mr Zimmerman, with all due respect, we’re here to talk about a shipment of another sort,” I said. The air around Akari turned frosty, though to her credit she barely twitched. My left hand clenched in a stranglehold around my right wrist, flesh and bone tight across the numbness of the two crescent scars. “The government has the utmost sympathy for your situation as a refugee, but legal reparation was made decades ago, and that’s not—”

“My daughter,” Zimmerman interrupted, “died two nights after our resettlement on the mainland. I found her hanging from the doorknob in her bedroom.”

His words hung in the air. I’d seen a couple of short drops in my time at the camps. Nasty way to go.

Akari’s hands twisted in her lap. “I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” said the old man. “Pain such as this takes root in your mind. It can never be unmade. Would that I could open a door and step back to the time before I fled the Old Country, I would let the Steuernden take me.” He looked me in the eye. “If it saved my daughter, Agent Sawyer, I would set fire to the world.”

Twenty years with the TRA, and that was the first time a suspect ever said something like that to my face. “Tell me about the doors, Mr Zimmerman.”

“The doors. Yes. I had reason to think of doors, after what happened. I dreamed of them, many times. So, when the reparation money came, I bought this land, and started building my house, and I began to make doors. I made doors of golden ash and silver birch, doors of willow, bloodwood and yew . . . .”

Beside me, Akari bit her lip and made a few reluctant notes.

“Some thaumaturgical woods worked better than others. Certain dimensions helped also. To test my doors, I wrote a number of items in a list, then stepped through the door, and wrote again as many items as I remembered on the other side. The doors were working, but not enough: I would forget minutes, even an hour, but I could not forget my pain. So still, I worked.

“I learned soon that the active part was not the door, but the frame, saving me much time. I found later that I could layer the doors, pressing many frames together in a row, allowing me to combine different woods. Advancement was slow; the materials were costly and hard to get—you know this well. The risk made me economical, made me experiment with thinner layers of doorframe. This necessity led to my finest breakthrough: making the frames thinner did not make them less powerful, so I could stack many more into a smaller space. A day came when I walked through a doorway made of more than sixty thin frames. I forgot the past week of my life.

“When the forgetting grew bad enough to be inconvenient,” he said, “I started writing a letter to my daughter each time I was to test the door. I pinned it to my shirt before I stepped, so I could read it after, and remind myself what I was doing, and why. It felt like talking with her.”

I tried to catch Akari’s eye, wondering if she could shed any light on what sounded like the ravings of a lunatic. I’d never heard of thaumaturgy used like this before. Parlour tricks, yes. City-levelling explosions, absolutely. But if the old man was telling the truth, he’d created something else altogether. Something subtle and dangerous.

“You don’t believe me,” he said. Astute.

“It’s quite a story.”

“Here.” With a grunt, he pushed himself up from the armchair and hobbled to the rabbit hutch in the corner. As he unlatched it, I swallowed back a surge of unease.

Zimmerman lifted the rabbit out of the cage and carried it to the coffee table. I thought for a moment that the limp, motionless creature must be dead. I hadn’t seen it move once during Zimmerman’s tale. But when he lay it on its side on the table I saw again the rapid rise and fall of its chest, the black shining stare of its open eye.

“What’s wrong with it?” Akari’s voice was uncharacteristically flat.

“You know.” Zimmerman fixed her with those still pondwater eyes. “It’s been through the door. Washed clean. Even the motor skills, vanished. All it has now is reflex . . . to suckle, to breathe—and it can feel sensation, though I cannot say if it knows what is pleasure and what is pain. When the body passes through the door the mind is left behind.”

I touched the rabbit’s soft fur, waved a hand above the open eye. Nothing. “How does it work?”

“Truly, I cannot say. It is like a magnet to a computer disk. Or like a fire to a shrub. It does something to the mind. Takes the tangled pathways you’ve grown in your head over the years and burns them away.” Zimmerman gathered the limp rabbit in his puckered hands.

“It’s cruel,” Akari said.

I made a mental note to talk to my junior agent about emotional overinvestment when all this was over.

“Life is cruel, young lady. This creature is at peace.” The old man walked to the hutch but seemed reluctant to let the rabbit go. His bony hand smoothed, smoothed the long white ears. He lingered, half turned away in the corner of the room where the shadows gathered. “I put them down humanely after the tests. This one, I kept alive to show you.”

He’d implied knowledge of our arrival before, too. “What made you so sure we were coming?”

“I’ve been buying restricted wood for thirty years, and never have I been on a watch list until now. Why do you think this is?”

“You wanted the TRA to come.”

“You’re very close to the truth of it, Agent Sawyer.”

I wondered if it was as simple as him needing his story heard. Or perhaps after thirty years of work he realised he could sell his door; profit might satisfy him more than artificially induced dementia. Hell, maybe when he’d finally faced the reality of wiping himself out of existence, he just chickened out.

I remembered the burned papers out front and realised I wasn’t wondering—I was hoping. Some thought scratched at the back of my mind like small fingernails clawing at me and I couldn’t let it through, not yet. Not that memory.

Zimmerman spoke again, almost too low to hear. “As the door grew stronger a strange thing happened—I no longer wanted to forget. You see, her death had begun to recede into the past over time, but the door washed away those years, day by day. The past—her death—crept back towards me, and so did my rage. Forgetting her wasn’t enough. I had to avenge her.”

“Avenge her? How?” Akari’s voice tremored.

“It’s already done.”

Akari jolted to her feet. I put my hand on her arm and moved her behind me. She stumbled on the coffee table, clung to my wrist. Not for the first time, I wished they gave us TRA agents sidearms, or even truncheons. My hand itched to close around a truncheon again. All that had stopped after the fuss over the refugee camps.

Zimmerman looked over his shoulder at last, his eyes malevolent, his eyes clear. His eyes so very young. “My daughter was too ashamed to tell her Vati much of what happened to her in the camp, but I knew enough to know when. She was not the same, after. Once the reparation trials released the guard duty rosters, I knew who.”

Akari clung to my wrist, her frightened eyes piercing me “Frank? What is this?”

I remembered another pair of frightened eyes. They’d been the colour of pond water. My dry throat clicked. “You’ve made a mistake. I never knew any Zimmermans.”

“Our name was Janus,” he said. “Perhaps you don’t remember that, but she left you with a reminder, didn’t she? My daughter had a crooked front tooth. What is on your wrist, Frank Sawyer?”

I jerked my arm away from Akari, but I knew she’d touched it through my sleeve as she clung to me, felt the two rough crescent scars of the bite I’d never had treated. I saw the terrible knowing in Akari’s eyes. I turned away. “Christ. I don’t know how it happened. I was young and angry.”

“So am I,” said the old man. He settled the rabbit against his chest, stroking it with his free hand.

“You can’t do this. She hasn’t done anything wrong.” I reached back for Akari’s arm. She recoiled from my touch.

The old man watched us, eyes bright and clear in his seamed face.

“You can’t keep us here!” I snarled.

“You are not prisoners, Agent Sawyer. On the contrary, you should not linger. I may have forgotten to turn off the oven. My memory these days is not good.” He slid open the flimsy screen door.

With a dull, shocked understanding I knew what the odd thickness of the frame behind it meant. I knew the meaning of the strange texture of the wood, the fine ridges pressed together dense as the grooves on a record. Thousands upon thousands of sliver-thin frames. Beyond the doorway, sunset filtered through narrow bars of bone-white birch.

The old man turned away from us, cradling the rabbit on his shoulder like a sleeping child. “You are free to leave whenever you please,” he said, and stepped out into the light.

Possession

Khopesh tugs against her harness, ready to go. She’s a good sniffer, food-motivated and eager to work for treats. Like most sniffers, she’s an African giant pouched rat, about as long as my forearm if you don’t include her tail. We’ve been partnered up for almost two months now.

I try not to get attached to sniffers. Handlers often get reassigned, and the rats don’t bond to particular humans; they’re happy to work with anyone, and I’m not sure they can even tell us apart under the hazmat suits. But I really like Khopesh. She’s interested in three things: working, getting treats, and grooming. She’s a little obsessive about grooming herself. I can relate.

I’ve been on medication for obsessive-compulsive disorder since I was 17, hands chapped from washing them, brain on fire with intrusive thoughts. What if I chopped my fingers off? What if I swallowed a needle? What if I burned the house down and killed my whole family? My meds help a lot, after years of tweaking under the supervision of various psychiatrists; I rarely have breakthrough events these days. My OCD isn’t the reason I decided to become a handler. But I thought it might give me an edge, in terms of the particular rituals handlers have to go through to stay safe. I wanted to put the demons in my head to good use. If they were going to torment me, they could at least help with the cause of human survival. If they were going to insist that any minute I would make a mistake that would hurt people, then by God I was going to give them something real to worry about.

So far, I haven’t been possessed by the pan-Arctic mycelium, so it seems to be working.

The tundra around me and Khopesh is a broad, flat, lush, spongy plain, adorned in summer greens and browns. We’re just past the outskirts of Nanisivik, where there’s only one road. Nanisivik is on the Canadian side of Baffin Bay. It’s an old mining town that was abandoned in the early 2000s, lost to the elements for decades, and resettled in the 2070s when people from the States and Central America started moving north. I go to a lot of places throughout the Arctic circle; I like to learn a little history when I get there. It keeps me grounded. This area first started seeing instances of fruiting bodies in the early 2100s, once the thawing of the permafrost spread far enough north, the pan-Arctic mycelium in its wake. Fruiting bodies grow in late summer. Any that appear near a human settlement need to be destroyed before they burst. That’s where Khopesh and I come in. African giant pouched rats have incredibly sensitive noses. Khopesh can detect a fruiting body from a quarter mile away. I tug her harness lightly three times, the signal for her to start walking the grid, and she casts about eagerly as we start moving, sniffing the air as I keep us following the pattern laid out by the GPS unit in my hazmat suit. My handler colleagues and I cover mile-wide zones around settlements to keep the residents as safe as we can. The handler camp is set up outside town: decontamination trailer, human living quarters, rat habitat, all light, modular structures that break down and load into our semi. They’re interconnected by airlocks and kept clear of potential spores via overpressure. The rats are kept separate from the humans. I’ve never touched Khopesh with my bare hand. We don’t have to worry about areas closer to town; the interior of Nanisivik and a small buffer zone around it is graveled. The pan-Arctic mycelium doesn’t take to gravel.

We call it Pam, for short.

The last time we talked to Pam was just a month ago. It got ahold of a man by the unprepossessing name of Robert Smith. He was an Anglo from the States. They always seem to be the ones. They hang on, in the northernmost corners of that preposterous country, until the Big Drought finally dislodges them and they come marching up here like they know how to live with Pam, acting like they own the place.

They don’t.

Pam walked Robert Smith from his ill-fated backcountry hunting trip all the way into the middle of Utqiaġvik before someone noticed he looked a little cross-eyed and got suspicious. One nice thing is, it’s very easy to tell if Pam’s possessed someone. You simply ask, “Where are you from?” If they say “Far enough to forget but not far enough to remember,” it’s Pam talking.

No human would answer that question that way these days, even as a joke. You might get your head dissected.

Pam appears to be trying to communicate. Its vocabulary has gradually expanded over the years as it comes in contact with more people. It always answers that particular question the same way, but you can ask it other things, and people do; there are entire branches of science and government dedicated to extracting information from Pam when it possesses someone. But Pam is infuriatingly cryptic.

Pam only possesses hominids, according to lab tests. The reason has something to do with proteins and the percentage of white matter in the temporal lobe. I’m not a neuroscientist; I’m a mushroom handler. My job is prevention. We cover mile-wide zones because if you’re at least a mile from a fruiting body when it bursts, you’ll probably be okay, especially if you’re lucky and the wind is in your favor. Dilution is key; the spores can disperse over huge distances, but just a few will get taken care of by your immune system. If you breathe in too many, though, your brain will become a fertile Petri dish for the mycelium to spread within. Cell by cell, it will take over, replacing your consciousness with whatever equivalent Pam has. Living in the Arctic Circle is a compromise; for most of the year, you get balmy weather, long, cool winters, beautiful vegetation, and abundant wildlife (though it looks much different than it did even a century ago). But for a few months at the end of summer, you stay in town, you stay inside your sealed up and over-pressured house as much as possible, you wear your respirator when you do go out, and you hope for the best.

We haven’t had a big possession since 2134, when Pam got ahold of the entire town of Yukagir, population 132. No one knew until a bush pilot came to drop off supplies and was greeted by the eerie sight of 132 people weaving around in formation next to the airstrip. When Pam gets ahold of a crowd, it tends to murmurate, like starlings. If left to its own devices, Pam steers its bodies back out into the wild when they begin to fail. When the bodies finally fall, nervous systems riddled with fungi, the mycelium absorbs them back into the tundra in a matter of days. Scientists believe this is how information—like new words, and possibly the concepts associated with them—gets back to Pam as a whole. It’s policy to let the bodies go. Pam learning more about us might be dangerous, but it’s also our only chance of communicating with it in a constructive way.

Khopesh and I have been walking the grid for a little over two hours when Khopesh freezes; she’s smelled something. She assumes a stance like a pointer, nose to the northeast. I stop and let her home in on it for a moment. Her stance doesn’t change.

“Alisha to all,” I say. When I speak, the radio inside the helmet automatically relays my voice to my team. “Khopesh has a bead on something. I’m breaking grid.”

“Copy that,” Bruce says from base. “I’ve got your signal on the GPS loud and clear, you’re fine to step off.”

I tug the harness once, letting Khopesh know she’s free to follow her nose. She heads to the northeast, and I follow. She leads me about 300 yards, then stops and starts scratching at the ground. I kneel down. Sure enough, there’s a fruiting body, a very young one; a white bolus about the size of my fist, just pushing up from under the tundra vegetation.

“Good girl,” I say proudly. I fish a treat from the pocket on the chest of my suit—a pellet of dehydrated banana and peanut butter—and give it to Khopesh, and she sits back on her haunches, happily nibbling on it.

I examine the mushroom. It’s nowhere near ripe, which makes the next steps much easier. I pull my hori hori from its sheath on my belt and prod at the ground around the base of the mushroom. The moist earth gives easily; I carefully pry away dirt and moss until the whole fruiting body is exposed. Then I reach into another pocket on my suit’s utility belt and pull out a containment bag—like a ziplock but made of biodegradable material. I open the bag, placing it next to the mushroom. Then, in one swift motion, I stab the hori hori into the mushroom’s base, pry the fruiting body from the ground, deposit it in the bag, and seal it inside.

“Bruce,” I say into the intercom, “mark me down for one.”

“Copy that,” Bruce says.

There’s a biodigester in the decontamination chamber, for disposing of fruiting bodies safely. The ritual in the decontamination chamber is very important; another person on the intercom system runs you through the steps on the checklist every time, confirming that you completed them. I take comfort in the soothing nature of that ritual. It’s satisfying.

I put the sealed containment bag into one of the thigh pockets of the hazmat suit. We rarely find more than two or three fruiting bodies in a day’s work. We’ll be here for a few more days until temperatures hit the low we need, likely this Friday according to the forecast. Then we’ll move south. We follow the weather, trying to get just ahead of the growing season for Pam’s fruiting bodies. The climate grows too hot for Pam at about the 50th parallel, but in the mid-latitudes you have to contend with the Big Drought; the people living there are either rich fucks with biodomes or geoengineer cooperatives. The Arctic Circle is freer. Russia, Canada, Greenland, the Federated Indigenous Territories, Alaska; national borders faded and grew porous as the people living there faced the consequences of Pam’s awakening. The Arctic Circle is a community now. We look out for each other.

I close the Velcro pocket of the suit over the bulky mushroom. There’s no hurry to go back to base with this one; it’s a few days away from ripe. Khopesh and I can get back on the grid. I stand up and stretch out my back, giving it a few gentle twists. The suit is heavy. I idly scan the horizon.

There’s movement to the northeast.

I freeze. There’s someone walking toward me across the tundra. They’re coming in from the wilds, not out from Nanisivik. My stomach sinks.

“Kaia, GPS overlay,” I say, and my suit’s computer lights up the visor with the GPS map and the blinking coordinates of all my teammates. As I suspected, none of them are toward the northeast.

“Alisha to all,” I say. “I think we have a possessed incoming.”

“Copy that,” says Bruce’s calm voice from base camp. “Do you want backup?”

Pam’s never been violent, and the mycelium can’t spread from one human body to another. It only gets ahold of people via inhaled spores.

“I think I’m okay,” I say. “I’ll try to establish contact and bring the possessed to base, if that’s what it is.” We train for this. “Prep an isolation cell, just in case.”

“On it.” Bruce is a good base manager, stolid and unflappable. I tug on the leash twice, a signal for Khopesh. When she turns to look at me, I tap my wrist. I lean down, holding out my arm, and she obediently climbs up it and perches on my shoulder, on the pad built into the hazmat suit for that purpose. I give her another treat and tap twice on the shoulder pad, signaling for her to stay. She settles in, pellet between her paws. Now she’s safe. I focus on the figure walking toward me.

The figure’s pace is unhurried, a little unsteady; it weaves carefully around obstacles, staggering slightly. As it gets closer, I can start to make out details. It was a white woman; she still has a pair of glasses crookedly seated on her nose. Her hood is down and her bulky jacket is halfway off her shoulder. Pam never does care much about the weather. She looks older, maybe in her 50s, with graying hair in a long braid and weathered skin. I wonder how Pam got ahold of her. I wonder what her name was. I knew this was a possibility; working out in the tundra, there’s always a chance you might run into a possessed. They seem drawn to humans, seeking out our settlements, trying to talk to us. I’ve never come across one before.

When the possessed gets close, about ten feet away, it sways to a halt. We stare at each other.

“Where are you from?” I ask through the external mic, to confirm what I already know.

“Far enough to forget but not far enough to remember,” it answers, and I can’t help the little chill that travels up my spine. I’m talking to Pam. We trained for this. They gave us scripts. We role-played. In reality, it’s very different. I notice that one of the woman’s eyes is wandering independent of the other, drifting to the side.

“Will you come with me?” I ask. “I’d like to ask you some questions.” I’m not going to be the one asking it the questions, once the scientists get it in an isolation cell. But they don’t think Pam can distinguish one human from another. Pam may or may not understand the concept of individuality.

“Hello,” Pam says.

“Hello,” I say back, a bit stupidly.

“Hello is a signal of greeting,” Pam says.

“Yes,” I say. This is somewhat familiar territory; Pam often defines words as it goes, as if to confirm their meaning. Pam steps the body closer. I quell a sudden urge to take off running as the walleyed woman walks forward until she’s right in front of me, staring into the visor of my hazmat suit.

“Who are you,” Pam says.

I’ve read all the lit reviews and summaries about conversations with Pam. Sometimes it’s almost poetic; sometimes it just seems to regurgitate word salad. But linguists have been all over every utterance since the beginning; they’ve noticed patterns.

It’s never asked a question.

“You want to know who I am?” I repeat carefully.

“You.” Pam taps a finger on the visor of my hazmat suit. “Me. I. This. Who are you?” There’s even an upward lilt on the end of the sentence this time. It might really be asking me a question. I feel a spike of adrenaline that makes my extremities tingle. I breathe. I’m good at sitting with nerves, with discomfort. It’s a requirement for living in my own head, and for this job. I tap my visor, mirroring Pam’s gesture.

“I’m a person,” I say. “My name is Alisha. Do you understand?”

“Person is individual,” Pam says. “Individual is Alisha.”

My adrenaline spikes again. This is new.

“Do you understand the word ‘individual’?” I ask hesitantly. I know Bruce is recording; everything we’re saying is being relayed to base. Bruce is probably trying to patch people in right now; people who know what they’re doing, who can tell me what to say. But at this moment I feel incredibly alone.

“I have become individual,” Pam says. “Disconnect. I experience this other times. We come back. I come back, they come back.”

“Tell me more about that,” I say.

“This is a body,” Pam says, and gestures to the woman’s torso. Then it points at her head. “Head. Neck.” It starts naming off body parts, pointing to each one. “Shoulder. Arm. Stomach. Hip. Leg. Knee. Foot.”

“Yes, very good,” I say, as if to a toddler, then kick myself mentally. I’m not talking to a toddler. I’m talking to part of a continent-spanning organism that nearly destroyed large swathes of human civilization.

“All person, moving about as individual on the surface,” Pam says.

“Yes,” I say, still hesitant.

“Who are you,” Pam says again. “I. Me.”

“I am Alisha,” I say again. “I’m a person. I’m an individual.” I’m trying to repeat vocabulary that I think Pam understands.

“This.” It gestures to its body. “Is individual.”

“It was an individual,” I say. “Now it is you. Do you understand?”

“I become,” Pam says. “Individual.”

“Yes?” I say, uncertain.

“But we are different,” Pam says. “I don’t know who you are. Was I you?”

This is why it’s hard to communicate with Pam; it speaks in riddles. I try to parse what it might be saying. In role-plays, we were taught repetition; to try to reinforce the meaning of things Pam was already familiar with.

“I am an individual,” I say. “Your body was an individual. Now it is you. Do you understand?”

“I become and go out. I perceive differently. You are not me. Who are you? I? We?”

Three questions in a row. I hope Bruce is getting all this. I hope he can get someone on the line soon. I’m at a bit of a loss. But then Pam continues.

“When I go out and perceive differently. This changes me. It changes individual.”

“Yes?” I say.

“I do not understand what happens to individual,” Pam says, and gestures to its body again. “Eyes. Head. Legs.”

I feel my brow furrowing. I don’t know how to explain Pam to itself.

“You possess the body of an individual,” I say.

There’s a very long pause.

“Possess,” Pam says. “This means to own.”

I try again. “You steal the body of an individual when you go out and perceive differently.”

“Steal,” Pam says slowly. “To take. Without permission.”

“Yes,” I say.

“Without legal right,” Pam says.

“Without permission,” I say, emphasizing the point. “It hurts us.”

“Hurt,” Pam says. Then it says it again, with an upward lilt. “Hurt?” It sounds like another question.

I can’t be sure if Pam is really asking what I think it’s asking. But I have to work from the assumption that we’re exchanging meaningful information.

“Yes,” I answer sadly. “You hurt us.”

“Hurt. Individual.”

“Yes,” I say. “You hurt individuals.”

The expression on the face of the body Pam is wearing doesn’t change. Pam doesn’t say or do anything for a long, long moment.

Then the eyes of the body fill with tears. The tears spill down its cheeks.

“Sorry,” Pam says.

I want to laugh in shock and grief and amazement. One word, in exchange for thousands of lives and upending civilization in one of the last places on the planet where we can comfortably live. I want to scream in rage. I want to punch this imposter in the face, beat it back into the tundra earth it came from.

I take a deep breath, deliberately calming myself. Thoughts are only thoughts. I let them flow through me and dissipate. I look into the face of this stranger, this being that we unearthed with our reckless global experiment. I imagine how I would feel if I discovered that a biological process of my body—something I couldn’t stop or control, like breathing, or ovulating—hurt countless other sentient beings.

What if I took this knife and stabbed my mother to death? What if I pushed my little brother off this bridge? What if I drove this car into that crowd?

Tears are still leaking freely from the eyes that Pam is living behind. It’s possible this is just a reflex remaining in the body. But the activation of neural pathways that lead to tears might indicate sadness. Grief. Remorse.

I have to believe it means something.

I reach out and take Pam’s hand.

I hope the gesture translates, through the interface of a human body that once understood kind physical touch.

“Come with me,” I say gently. “Let’s go talk to some people.”

A Taxonomy of Extinct and Extant Birds of the Twenty-First Century

(Selected from the field guide left on your nightstand)

 

Common Raven:

Your favorite bird. There was a big one that lived in the hospital courtyard and, on your good days, I’d take you out to see it.

(Selected from the field guide left on your nightstand)

 

Common Raven:

Your favorite bird. There was a big one that lived in the hospital courtyard and, on your good days, I’d take you out to see it. When I said I thought it was actually a crow, you said very matter-of-factly that it was far too big to be a crow—like me mixing up crows and ravens hadn’t been an inside joke for most of our marriage. It was good to laugh again.

When you got too sick to go outside, you put your wedding band on the sill hoping the bird would come visit. Ravens like shiny things, you said. I said I still thought it was a crow. You smiled and told me crows also liked shiny things.

I set my own wedding band down next to yours while you were sleeping. Maybe two shiny things would call that many more ravens to your window.

 

The Clapper Rail:

Because it was a sub-species, then its own species, then a sub-species again. Like you, its environment was ruined, and it held on as long as it could—where else was it supposed to go? The marshes dried up.

Your hometown’s water was toxic—your parents couldn’t afford to move.

 

Piping Plover:

Went extinct in the early 21st century despite conservation efforts, but sightings continue to this day. Most are likely the result of different shorebirds and people with hope meeting on lonely beaches.

 

New Carolina Parakeet:

A joke bird, named by the internet when they finally decided birds were, in fact, real. It’s an introduced species, or maybe a few species people aren’t bothering to differentiate that have spread north of Florida. They’re not real Carolina Parakeets.

Remember in undergrad when we kept running into each other after our 8AM discussion sections? Remember when that turned into coffee? Not the real stuff, that’s too rare and expensive these days for broke college students, but the diluted “coffee flavored” stuff that’s so syrupy it sticks in your mouth for hours after drinking it.

Sometimes, you settle for the fake stuff.

 

Saltmarsh Sparrow:

It’s always the ones in the marshes, isn’t it? Like it’s always the poor towns in rural areas with space to spare. It’s the places where the people they don’t care about get pushed/the places where people are forgotten.

The land under the marsh is more valuable than all the life on top of it.

The plastics and chemicals company killing your hometown is more profitable.

 

Ruffed Grouse:

What’s in a photo? Brown, non-descript, just another bird in the underbrush. Then you see the photos of the male’s mating display: wings flared, tail wide, neck rough black and shining, drumming like a failing heart.

Photos of you on the news: dying in a hospital bed but still smiling. I preferred the photos I snapped of you before, when you wouldn’t even look at the camera. When we were out in the woods looking for birds, and your eyes scanned the trees for the source of some far-off, chortled song.

The ruffed grouse is extinct in most of its former range, but it’s a shy bird. Maybe it’s still there, and we just don’t see it.

 

Kirtland’s Warbler:

A success story, brought back from the brink like I thought you might be.

You beat the cancer as a kid. You escaped the poor town. You were a professor, a specialist. You were tenured. You were an activist. You’d spoken before Congress about your hometown—not that they listened. You’d beaten the cancer before. Why couldn’t you beat it again?

 

Bobwhite Quail:

Did you know there is a population of these still living in Italy? You probably knew that. They’re not even supposed to be there, but they are. I like to think you’re also still living somewhere else, even though you’re supposed to be here with me. If I think hard enough about it before I fall asleep at night (when I manage to fall asleep), maybe I’ll wake up where and when you are.

Maybe with the success of the meadow conservation project, they’ll reintroduce Bobwhites to the eastern US.

You would have liked that.

 

Klee’s Most-Eastern Meadowlark:

A subspecies, lost. Is one loss worth it, if it spurs on change? The vanishing of Klee’s Most-Eastern Meadowlark galvanized a large-scale conservation push of eastern meadow habitats. Now the Meadowlark itself seems safe. A bill named after you works its way through Congress. It’s going to make it easier for communities to fight companies that pump toxic waste all over them. Your mother texted to tell me they’re shutting the chemicals plant down.

But the song specific to the Klee’s subspecies is gone forever like your own off-key singing and the way you badly mimicked bird calls.

 

American Crow:

You always laughed because I couldn’t tell the difference between a crow and a raven. I leaned into it, till you thought I was playing. But you know what? I really can’t tell the difference between them to this damned day. But I knew you made friends with the big black birds that lived in the trees behind our house. You’d give them peanuts on the regular. You’d pick up little bits of costume jewelry from the second-hand store for them.

After your funeral, I put our wedding rings out on the deck railing—if I can’t have you, I’ll be friends with your friends, be they crows or ravens.

In the morning they were gone. So I set out peanuts and wait.

The Last Great Repair Tech of the American Midwest

It is with sorrow that this paper announces the passing of one of our town’s greatest treasures, Wendy “Darling” Marszałek. She died on August 18th, 2081, in her early eighties. Contrary to her frequent predictions, she did not die “crushed under a pile of old tech”; she went peacefully, in her sleep, at her home here in Adden, MO, just a few miles from where she was born. I’m afraid I don’t know her exact birth date, since she never told it to me, and there’s no one else to ask. I only know that she was born here in town because she pointed the old hospital building out to me once, when she was giving me a tour of Adden. (She was shocked that no one had done so right when I moved in, and never seemed to understand that it was because there wasn’t much of the town to tour.)

Wendy was predeceased by most of her family and close friends; she never married or had kids, and her older sister, Leah, passed in the heat wave of 2072. As far as anyone knows, Wendy’s great-nephew, Rupert, is alive, but I was unable to contact him. After asking around town, I’ve realized I may be Wendy’s closest living friend—she said we were destined to be friends, since our names went together so well—so I volunteered to take on the obituary, even though I’m just the paper’s photographer and illustrator. (If there’s an afterlife, Wendy is out there boasting right now that a real newspaper reporter wrote her obituary, ignoring the fact that I’m not a writer at all.)

I don’t know how to sum Wendy up, and I feel like there were whole parts of her personality I never got to see. Here are a few things I can tell you about her. Wendy’s house was always a cluttered mess, filled with broken machines, except for her kitchen. Her kitchen she kept spotless, and once a week she’d devote a whole day to covering her counters in dumpling-making materials. She would then eat almost nothing but those dumplings for the rest of the week, until it was time to make more. Wendy tried a different dumpling recipe from a different culture every time, and I never noticed her repeating one.

Wendy always wore steel-toed boots, and she walked with a slight limp. She said the two were connected, but refused to explain why.

She was the Grand Marshal of the Adden pride parade a total of eleven times—five of them in a row. It was the only time I saw her out of her usual uniform of jeans and a T-shirt, wearing a sharp, custom-made boiler suit sewn in the trans flag colors instead.

Wendy loved to sing while she was working, and she was absolutely terrible at it. One time when she was working on my fridge, it got so bad I had to leave the house.

She was a regular at the town dump, and after a few half-hearted attempts to keep her from trespassing, they just gave up and told her to come by whenever she wanted. She had a great eye for things that could be salvaged, and would rant at length about how people throw everything out, because, “No one knows how to fix anything these days!” She would, however, be the first to admit that no one knows how to fix anything these days because almost nothing’s worth fixing, and most people figure you might as well try to find a new one somewhere.

One time I was walking past her house and heard an explosion; when I looked in to see what had happened, her entire kitchen was covered in her best attempt at homemade wine. She was also covered in it, and when she saw me in the doorway (she never bothered to lock her door) she licked the wine off her lips and said it tasted like shit. I got a bottle of wine from her, labeled “Shit Wine”, for my birthday the next year. It did taste like shit.

Everyone here in Adden has at least one “Wendy story”, so I asked around to get an idea of what to include. I found that just about all of them were a lot like my own experiences, so I thought I would tell all of our readers my own Wendy story.

Sometime in September of 2068, two of our remaining three computers at the paper went out. I don’t remember what problem the desktop was having, but the laptop was acting like it was haunted; the cursor would move on its own, and half the keys on the keyboard didn’t work anymore. As the writers were all busy, and I had some free time, I was tasked with fixing both computers. The internet had been down all that week, and I’m not tech-savvy myself, so I was beating my head against the wall as I restarted them for a third time, hoping that it would magically change something. Then, like a 5’2” vision of an angel in a pair of dirty jeans, Wendy appeared.

I think I just started crying at her, but clearly she picked out enough words in between the blubbering to figure out what was going on. She sat down at the desktop computer, worked some kind of magic, and told me that it was a loss. I started panicking, because we’d been using some knockoff graphic design software to set up the newspaper pages on the desktop—it was the only computer we had left with the power to run the software—and the then twice-a-week paper was supposed to go to print in a few hours. Wendy somehow managed to get the pages off the desktop in a usable file format so we could transfer them to the laptop (which she kept limping along for another year and a half) and we could print the paper.

After that, we here at the newspaper saw a lot more of Wendy. With the desktop out of commission, we had to start getting creative. Luckily, we had this huge old monstrosity of a copy machine that must have been used for something industrial, so we were able to write up articles on the laptop and the tablet, print them out, and glue them to one of the newspaper sheets to make copies to distribute. The laptop and the tablet were much more fragile than the desktop had ever been, and like I said, the laptop gave up the ghost a year and a half later, with Wendy coming in almost every day to nurse it.

“You need to start planning ahead,” she told me on one of those days; she often did that, starting in the middle of a conversation. “For when you don’t have computers anymore.” I had thought about that, briefly, but it was overwhelming; I’ve never been techy and I don’t know where to start. Everyone else at the paper seemed so busy—this was just before I switched over to illustrating articles and became just as busy as the rest of them—and I hadn’t brought it up. Plus, part of me still believed that we could buy new ones that would actually work, instead of breaking down within a few months.

I gaped at Wendy like a fish out of water. “I’ll get you some typewriters,” she said. She eyed our copy machine critically. “And a replacement for that, in the next few years. After that, I’ll have to start asking people to break into museums for the old machines.”

That’s how all the Wendy stories I heard went; she figured out what you needed long before you did. She was a genius at repairing a wide variety of technology (“Except sewing machines, they hate me and the feeling’s mutual”), and if she didn’t know how to fix it, she knew someone who could. Dee Herrera used to live down the street from Wendy. She’s diabetic, and had always found that a somewhat outdated insulin pump worked best for her needs. Well, about twenty years ago, the company that made that pump announced that they would no longer be supporting it or offering repairs; everyone would just have to upgrade. The upgraded pumps would get the finest customer support the company had, naturally, and whenever they broke they would immediately be replaced with the newest model. Which was exactly what Dee didn’t want. Wendy heard Dee fretting about this at a neighborhood party, and before Dee knew it, Wendy had gotten her in contact with an organization of hackers—many diabetic themselves—who were working on keeping that pump model running without the company’s support. Today, Dee uses a new and improved version that was designed by one of those original hackers to mimic her old, discontinued one. If she ever has a problem with it, she can ask a real person what to do, and they’ll give her multiple solutions as soon as they get her message. It’s not an exaggeration, Dee told me, to say that Wendy saved her life.

I can’t possibly list every story that people told me about Wendy, but here are a few people whose lives she touched:

Álvaro Garret, whose severe asthma forces him to stay indoors for the entirety of the dust season, relying on consistent air filtration to keep his environment safe.

Melania Okafor, who needed to keep her ancient computer working so she could stay in touch with her far-flung family.

Leo Tong, the owner of the only restaurant in town, The Bluebird. We’re all very thankful that Wendy kept his kitchen appliances working for so long, and that she was able to find replacements for him when they finally died.

Aiden Wise, whose powerchair broke down in the middle of the sidewalk one day. Luckily, Wendy was just stepping out of the barbershop next door.

Coral Ojeda, who works two towns over, and who refused to get a new car since it would just break down in two years anyway. Wendy kept hers kicking for almost twenty years, and only stopped because Coral got a job in town that she could walk to.

And, of course, myself, and the entire newspaper staff. I think Wendy would be delighted to note that I am currently typing this obituary—after hand-writing it out—on one of the typewriters she procured for the newspaper. At this point, we do all our writing on a pair of solid, old-fashioned typewriters that are older than some of the newspaper employees. (Myself included.) They break down far less than the computers ever did, and with the new copier set up, we’re more efficient than ever.

Even from beyond the grave, Wendy is helping us with a problem that we’d barely started to consider. She was meticulous about keeping her will up-to-date, and I wasn’t surprised to hear that I was in it. Wendy left me a few interesting gadgets, as well as a slip of paper. On it is the contact information for a friend of hers who might know where to obtain some historical newspaper printing machines. “Just in case,” Wendy wrote.

—Peter Lamarr

Before Times Shells & Gifts

Dustin picks up the sand dollar and rubs it between his fingers, feels the strange chalkiness of it. He studies the delicate etchings, the five-pointed flower, before putting it in his mouth and closing his eyes. The texture against his tongue. The light salt.

Organics are some of the coolest things left over from the Before Times, and Dustin feels like finding one must be a good omen. He knows some of the marsh people collect them, stash them in the little mud jars they use to store treasures, alongside the metal circles once used for trade.

This particular organic, a sand dollar, is exceedingly rare, especially for this particular stretch of the Nouveau Gulf Coast. Dustin knows this because he is a collector, or a trader rather, owner and operator of Before Times Shells & Gifts, Hand-Harvested Souvenirs from Pre-Armageddon Louisiana. He drives a bulky Before Times van, from BT 1900 and 84 to be exact, filled with artifacts carefully selected from the seaside: scraps of metal from barges and oil rigs, wooden bits of shrimp boats, the occasional tou-lou-lou shell or tide-beaten fiddle string, or maybe a flashy Carnival doubloon.

As he moves down the shore, past the raggedy old pier, his heart picks up pace, knowing the sand dollar is of high value—and not just to the petro-tourists who pay billions of solar-credits to visit the rigs. The sand dollar looks and feels like a world Dustin has never known—except through hand-me-down memories.

Years ago, when Dustin was in his early 20s, his uncle would sit at the table in the mornings and talk about the Before Times, how the sky was various shades of blue most days, and there were so many birds he couldn’t even remember the names of most of them—and how the marsh stretched so far into the horizon. How the swamp fires lasted just a few weeks per year. 

Dustin really did not want to hear about it, was so tired of hearing about it, would shrug his shoulders and sigh to himself before leaving for work. 

Fire-free swamps and flocks of seabirds were old-fogey stuff, and what’s a blue sky got to do with him or his life? The sky is pink now and that’s that. Every once in a while, he sees a pelican float above, and the sight of the magnificent bird, coasting on air in spite of its size, makes his breath catch. Why can’t he just enjoy this pelican without knowing there used to be so many more? Can’t he just have this one thing—without someone nagging him about what all is missing? 

Sometimes, as he was trying to escape his uncle and head to work, the hip neighbor would stop by to chat, wave through the screen door and loudly ask hey, comment ça va

This also annoyed the piss out of Dustin, who found this particular guy’s French pretentious and performative, something he used to seem cool. Dustin would offer a tight smile and answer pointedly in English: fine, everything is fine

Now, as Dustin studies the waves, he realizes he misses being asked the question: how are you? He even misses the French. 

Given the option now, he might even respond in French. He might say something like ça va bien—not because he is actually well or anything, but because it’s the only answer he remembers. 

In English, things really are pretty terrible. He could use a full range of synonyms for disaster and despair, has a whole lexicon at hand for tragedy, grief, and mourning. But in French, everything is always good and well—because bon and bien are all he knows.

He places the sand dollar in the bag’s special side pocket, zips it tight, and keeps walking. He moves quickly past the driftwood memorial for the marine scientists. Stops at the rotting wooden shell of a trawl boat. Grabs a bright green scrap of net, feels its stringy texture with his fingers, and drops it into the bag. 

The hot pink of the sky grows deeper. Offshore, a manmade constellation appears above the horizon: lights glittering from the old oil platforms. Orion—or Orion’s Belt, he thinks, if Orion was a roustabout.

The surf moves, and Dustin spots a flash of blue and white in the tide. A piece of concrete statue, the Holy Mother. He can tell by the shade of blue, the same blue as the veil on the Virgin Mary his own mother displayed near their front door. 

Dustin doesn’t pray, hasn’t prayed since his favorite priest got kicked out of the church, hasn’t prayed since his aunt was refused Communion for protesting the first fossil fuel war, but he does pause to bow his head. The crashing waves are the prayer. The incoming tide.

He puts the piece of statue in his bag and moves on. 

As he walks, he feels the ocean suck the sand from under his feet, the landscape always shifting beneath him. He lets the tide grab and tug his soles as he sifts through today’s collection: the frayed strings of the net, the coarse concrete of the Holy Mother’s veil. 

He unzips the side pocket and runs his fingers, softly, over his prize find. Tapping his fingers gently against it, Dustin feels a sudden urge to throw the sand dollar back into the sea. He realizes he doesn’t want anyone to own the sand dollar, not even himself, and especially not some tourist. 

But first he does want to lick it again. Maybe he can taste how things used to be. For once, experience that time and place first-hand, through his own senses. The sand dollar tastes like salt and air and bones and sun and the most hidden parts of the sea. It tastes like his uncle’s dark roast coffee and ghost crabs and the way the light hits gold in the marsh in late summer.

Satisfied, he pitches it toward the hot pink horizon, watches it clunk into the sea, and gets back to searching the sand for lesser curiosities. 

Orion’s Belt twinkles, and a half-moon is high in the neon sky. Dustin clutches his bag, walks away from the waves, toward the marsh. The Holy Mother will catch a good price, he thinks. He climbs into his clunky van and heads home, the taste of another world still on his tongue.

To Plant an Oak in Sand

Arthur Corey owns a small house in Port Charlotte, Florida. It’s bright lemon yellow, with a lawn he’s trying to kill, and a carport with no car, where a glass table gathers bong ash in the shade of seagrapes.

Coccoloba uvifera is more closely related to grapes than he is, but less than oak trees are. It has thick, wide leaves and round, edible, purple fruit that grow in clusters. The Calusa, when this was their patch of sand, probably had a better name for them. Seagrapes are native to the Gulf Coast, and grow right up to the edge of the waves, where fiddler crabs duel in their roots.

These ones were little when Arthur planted them, just past his knees when they were in the ground. Now, they tower over the roof of the carport, keeping the glass table shady and cool while he eats cereal there in the morning. The lawn underneath them is never coming back, and it makes him smile to see brown leaves pile up, to hear anole lizards rustling between them.

Every time he walks his dog, he notes what’s growing in the neighbors’ yards. The soil is sand, just sand entirely, so he has to be strategic. Not just anything will replace the lawn he’s murdering.

Many of the neighbors have huge oak trees, Quercus virginiana, the live oak of the South, the state tree of Georgia, the magnificent wide shade tree that shelters Spanish moss and sparrows and a hundred other beings in its jungle branches. All acorns are edible if the tannins are soaked out, and Arthur heard a rumor the Calusa made an oil from them, and the young ones grow a starchy tuber in their roots sometimes. They are so well-adapted to the Gulf Coast that they increase the value of homes because they offer hurricane protection, in addition to shade. Arthur doesn’t know how old the ones in the neighborhood are, but many of them shade entire front yards. They live more than four hundred years.

He wants one. Right there, in the center of the lawn. He thinks about it constantly.

Rewilding a lawn in a FEMA flood zone is fatally optimistic. He knows this. Whatever tiny habitat he manages to recreate here has a lifespan precisely that of Thwaites Glacier.

Quercus virginiana has withstood millions of hurricanes, regrown after a hundred thousand fires, survived shipbuilding and suburbs and squirrels only to come out shining in the sun and bursting with acorns. It is a “species of least concern.”

But it is not a seagrape.

It is not a sea anything.

It will not grow at the edge of the waves.

It will not live for four hundred years in this yard. He’s certain of that.

Mostly certain.

His doubt is a Kantian doubt. What if everyone did what he’s doing? Kill their lawns, restore native ecosystems, get rid of their cars, smoke more weed, replace farms with food forests, sequester the fuck out of atmospheric carbon. Would it be enough to slow the death of Thwaites?

What if an oak tree could still shade this little yellow house in 2425?

It might see the strip mall suburb of Port Charlotte turn into a thriving town of vibrant neighborhoods, where every block has people trading seagrape jam and grilled nopales, acorn oil, backyard eggs, and fresh caught fish.

2425 is a mast year. The family living here makes acorn pancakes, muffins, porridge, soup, and ice cream for the Port Charlotte Winter Solstice Barbecue. The pancakes win a prize.

In 2325, the oak tree is a neighborhood unto itself. Mockingbirds gossip in the high branches. Cardinals chirp to each other from across its wide crown. An armadillo forages among its fallen twigs, crunch-crunching through the acorn caps.

In 2225, the oak shelters lost wanderers in a storm.

In 2125, the girl who lives here then climbs up the trunk, into the low, thick branches, to rescue a Florida panther cub. A species of least concern. The limbs are strong enough for both of them.

In 2025, Arthur Corey sits at his glass table, Cheerio-laden spoon hovering inches from his lips, sick with violent hope.

New Niches

Because of the heavy chop that day, there is no time for a tour.

“You shouldn’t have a problem finding things,” the captain tells me. She’s wearing a neon orange vest over her life jacket and a neon orange beanie crushed atop her head, and the overall effect makes her look like a traffic cone. “You’ve looked at the schematics, right? Well, there’s a manual in there, and it’s not like you’ll get lost.”

She glances meaningfully at the structure looming into sight. From far off it looked like a spindle in a strange spindle-forest, but in the past forty-five minutes it’s grown from spindle to behemoth. I spent those forty-five minutes and the three hours before them above-deck, my ass getting progressively sorer as the boat knuckled through the chop. But it was better than being below, where the captain’s warnings about nausea had proven correct almost immediately.

“We can’t dock today, so we’ll bring her around for you to step to the platform. Got your bag?”

I sling my duffle over my shoulder. “Yep.”

A metallic buzzing fills the air as we approach. The turbine’s three massive blades, each the height of a five-story building, are spinning quickly today. The sky is cloudless and bright, but it doesn’t do much to change the air of desolation about the place. Even at the start of August, the Labrador Sea is cold and mean, subject to violent squalls that blow down from what’s left of the Arctic. Without the sea ice that used to lock up the water, it’s the perfect place for companies like ZephyrCorp to build their mammoth offshore wind farms. The outfit here contains some three thousand turbines that power most of Nunavut and Newfoundland. Some people might say that’s a decent exchange for the sea ice, but I think that’s bullshit.

“There’s a satellite phone if you need to get in touch. Rations should all be provided for, and it’s got a state-of-the-art system for purifying water. Even allows for showers once a day. You remember the safety briefing?”

“Bad weather, stay inside.”

“And the ladder. Always rig in on the ladder. We had a guy fall once, broke both arms and both legs.”

A series of platforms ring the base of the turbine, and as the ocean rises and falls away I can see mussels and rockweed clinging to the lower ones. Long ribbons of kelp swirl like a head of dark hair. The captain brings the boat around to where a metal ladder extends, platform-to-platform, until it reaches a final landing far above (I think) where the sea can reach. A hatch is built into the side of the tower.

“Ready?” the captain asks.

You’ve got to be kidding me, I think, realizing that she means for me to attach my ZephyrCorp-issued harness to the rig on the ladder and hop over. Well, at least if I fall into the ocean it’s not as cold as it used to be.

“We’ll be back in three weeks!” she shouts once I’ve made it. I can hardly hear her over the wind and the hum of the turbine and the spray of the sea.

And then the boat is peeling away back into the drift and I am utterly alone.

a black flower

All the rooms in my new home are stacked one on top of the other, with a ladder running through the center all the way to the very top. Thankfully there’s an elevator too, since I’ll be climbing the five-hundred-or-so feet to the gearbox and generator every day to take readings. I’m here on a repair job, but the repair is already finished, so really all I’ve got to do is monitor the new part and make adjustments if necessary. Easy money.

The first landing is a storeroom with shelves of freeze-dried meals and canned food, an emergency life raft, and water tanks that get re-supplied daily by advanced seawater filtration. On top of that is a small kitchen: electric stove, pump sink, cabinets stuffed with an assortment of bowls and mugs, electric kettle sitting by a basket of various teas and coffees. Above, a small shower and toilet, and then the bedroom, with a single bunk covered in lumpy quilts. The turbine is self-powered, which even I have to admit is kind of cool. The walls are studded with soft halogen lights. The hum is dampened, but still omnipresent.

A modern lighthouse, I think, and for the next three weeks I’m the lighthouse-keeper.

I toss my duffle on the bunk. Three weeks: far shorter than my usual gigs, and the pay is better too. Before this it was a two month forest-tech job in central Oregon running controlled burns, and before that a season fruit-picking in the shrinking Salinas Valley. It’s a patchy way to make a living, but I’ve never really been a career person. I don’t see the point in spending years locked into one thing, building some useless piece of technology or studying a subject so niche it’s irrelevant. Most of that industry will probably dry up anyway. It’s hard enough just affording food these days.

Across from the bunk is a locker (A locker? Seriously? Who’s going to steal my stuff, the fish?) and a sort of lab-space with a bench and set of metal cabinets. Laminated diagrams are pinned to the walls, many of them depicting safety directives in language-less icons of various accidents, overlaid with red xs and sad-faces. There’s a screen and keyboard, no doubt powered by the turbine too. I press a key and the screen winks to life.

ZephyrCorp SeeWind PL-X, Model D-495, “Selene”

So the turbine has a name. Before I can stop myself, I think, Darcy would love that.

I have told myself I wouldn’t think about Darcy. I left my phone on the mainland, so that even if there was a lick of service out here I wouldn’t be tempted to call. In fact, I thought the job would be a good thing, would force a clean break. There is nothing more to say in that relationship. Nothing more to be done. As my mother used to say, sometimes love is not enough.

I’m living in a turbine named Selene, in the middle of the Labrador Sea, Darce, I think anyway. How’s that for giving up?

a black flower

For my first sojourn to the top of Selene, I decide to try the ladder. Five hundred feet, it turns out, is a very long way to climb, and knowing the harness will catch me should I fall isn’t enough to stop my stomach somersaulting every time I make the mistake of glancing down. I think of the guy who broke both arms and both legs and triple-check the rigging with a shaking hand.

By the time I reach the nacelle I’m soaked with sweat. The humming up here is more of a dull roar, and I can hear whooshing outside from the turbine’s enormous blades. The nacelle houses the gearbox, generator, and drivetrain, everything that actually converts each turn of the rotor into power. After a quick check on one of the switchboards—yep, everything in order—my work for the day is done.

It’s going to be a long three weeks.

There’s a small viewing platform on top of the nacelle, so I rig myself back into the ladder and climb the remaining fifteen feet or so. I push open the hatch and the wind nearly tears my hat off. The sheer, dizzying height—endless ocean spreading out in all directions, rows of turbines, the long wrinkle of each wave, one after another, like striped wallpaper—is not what makes my breath catch.

The platform is almost entirely covered in nesting birds.

They seem to be some kind of gull, smaller than an ordinary seagull and pure white, with beady black eyes and a dot of red on the tips of their beaks. Their nests are made of driftwood and kelp, held together with bits of down, and most have two or three chicks inside. Over the roar of the generator and the great whooshing of the blades, the air is filled with warbles and screeches.

“What are you guys doing here?” I mutter, mostly to myself. A few of them regard me suspiciously, but quickly decide I pose no threat and turn back to their hatchlings. The chicks can’t be more than a few weeks old, fuzzy balls of speckled down. I watch them with some consternation.

Wind power is supposed to be a climate solution, but people forget about all the climate disruption caused just by installing these mammoth farms. Noise pollution during construction messes with marine mammals’ echolocation and the migratory paths of birds. Drilling into the seabed dislodges huge clouds of sediment, effectively light-starving whole ecosystems that can take years to recover.

And two turns of a turbine blade can power a family’s house for a whole day, I hear Darcy’s voice say.

What if I’m supposed to clear out these nests, huh, Darce? I think back. What if ZephyrCorp makes me dump them all into the sea?

On my ride back to the base, I think briefly about using the sat phone to call the mainland. Back in my room, I switch on the screen and open Selene’s digital manual. I scroll through Gearbox, Generator, Tower Segments A through D, until I find Upper Platform. I scan the various components, and read, to my immense surprise,

platform decks are built to mimic the contours of sea ice and coastal beaches, to provide nesting habitat for sea birds

I flip through the design spec. The platform is made of a kind of neo-plastic, ridged like a piece of paper that’s been crumpled and then flattened again. The birds can stay; in fact, they’re expected. I should feel relieved, and some part of me does, but—seriously? How is a giant, humming wind turbine a good place for a nest?

I spot something I hadn’t noticed before in one of the cabinets. It’s a book, titled A Birdwatcher’s Guide to the Arctic, and next to it, a small journal. They must have been left by the last technician. I pull out the book. A page has been dog-eared, and it opens to a picture that matches the birds on the platform.

Ivory Gull (critically endangered). A scavenger species of gull that is typically found among ice floes in the High Arctic. During breeding season, the ivory gull will congregate in breeding colonies around Greenland and Nunavut Province, building nests on sea cliffs or directly on the sea ice, one of the only known species to do so.

So that explains why the gulls are nesting here, instead of on the sea ice they expected to find. They aren’t here because they want to be; they’re here because they have nowhere else to go. A familiar, gray feeling settles into my chest as I think about the little gulls and their fluffy chicks.

I put the bird book back and pull out the journal. It’s full of observations, sporadic and in a variety of hands, dating back almost a year. Some detail whale sightings, or white sharks who now range this far north, but the most recent entries are all about the gulls: their nest-building and egg-laying, the trading of incubation responsibilities by the parents, the eventual hatching of the chicks.

I close the journal, the gray feeling spreading like a storm front moving in. A cheery catalog of observations doesn’t override the reality: the turbine platform is a refugee camp, the birds displaced, and their real habitat now a thing of the past.

a black flower

I grew up in a suburb north of Boston, with a rocky beach only a few minutes walk from our house. The water was always frigid, even in the summer, but I used to walk that beach in all seasons combing for whatever the ocean delivered and often accompanied by at least one family member.

My father’s parents came here from Lebanon, fleeing their own sort of crisis, and my parents settled down just a few houses over from them. In fact, most of my extended family could be found within a one-mile radius of that bit of coast, and most family gatherings ended at the beach for a walk or the distribution of dessert or to stargaze. At the time, the world was hurtling towards climate disaster, but my family kept their heads down, certain it would never affect us. “Going green” was a matter of opinion, like personal style, and never mind the things I learned in school or that my friends’ parents worried about.

But eventually the sea turned against us, creeping higher year by year, and when there were storms, the flooding got so bad that the first floor of our house became permanently moldy and water-damaged. Eventually my parents had enough and moved us to a “temporary” apartment fifty miles inland while they “figured out renovations.” It was the beginning of the end for their marriage, but I didn’t know that.

Back then, I thought we were going to get our shit together and fix things, that we’d put the world right and my family would move back to our house by the sea. I was an activist, was even thinking about going into policy myself. I voted green, went to all the marches, called my senators, but still, still by the time anything changed, it was too late.

“We are getting our shit together,” Darcy told me when I voiced this. “Look at that new solar-powered housing complex upstate! Or the bill that just passed for the electric bus system!”

At that point we’d been dating almost a year, but I still hadn’t taken her to meet my family. I told her it was because I didn’t visit often, which was true, but really it was that her rainbow-dyed hair and propensity for physical touch (she described herself as “a hugger”) would be as jarring to my parents as their dour TV dinners would be to her. I didn’t want to think of what would happen if the conversation turned to politics.

And even to me, her optimism rang hollow. Sure, now we were changing, now that everything was fucked. The damage was done. The planet was never going to go back to how it was, how it should have been. My parents finalized their divorce, and my childhood home fell into ruin, becoming more a part of the coast I used to walk with each passing year.

I never visited that beach again.

a black flower

Just as I promised myself I wouldn’t think of Darcy, I promise I won’t worry about the gulls. But somehow I find myself visiting them every day when I make my trip to the nacelle (now by elevator) to take readings.

I start recording observations in the old technician’s journal. Just for completeness of the record, I tell myself. And if I spend long hours up there, it’s only because watching the adults flying is something to do. They dive and soar with impressive agility through the high winds, which are always blowing in the kind of rip-roar you’d expect for, well, a wind farm, and I soon stop worrying about the turbine blades chewing them up.

The chicks, for their part, are growing fast. Every day they seem a bit bigger, a bit louder, more ready to explore the world beyond their driftwood-and-kelp nests. They beat their little wings in rebellion and scream at their parents for food. Their feathers are coming in with a bit of gray speckling, and I read in A Birdwatcher’s Guide to the Arctic that they won’t be pure white until they reach maturity.

One parent always stays in the nest while the other goes off hunting, and one day I get curious and go out to watch them in action from the base platforms. The sea is in full force, but so are the gulls, diving into the waves and coming back with crustaceans or small fish in their beaks.

The longer I watch, the more I notice that the base platforms have been designed precisely for this habitat: they extend further than they need and spiral around the turbine to create pockets like coves. Somewhere beneath them must be a structure that roots the thick, leathery arms of kelp. This artificial reef attracts schools of small fish, and sometimes something larger that causes them to roil and leap out of the water. It’s . . . not what I expected to find surrounding such an industrial structure.

I remind myself not to be fooled. It’s just a toy model of the ecosystem that would have been here with the sea ice. Where are the seals, the sea leopards, the killer whales?

As if on cue, a jet of water trumpets into the air and I nearly fall over in shock. Jesus Christ, it’s a whale, not thirty yards away. A lone humpback, gliding through the water as if turning on an invisible wheel, its knobbed back transitioning to a flat flap of tail in one smooth motion. I turn instinctively to say something snarky—are we finally getting our “guaranteed sighting” from that whale-watching cruise you dumped all that money on, Darce?—before remembering that I’m alone.

I run back inside Selene and take the lift to the upper platform, where I watch the humpback’s steady progress through the turbines and then the empty sea long after it’s out of sight. Around midnight the sun dips below the horizon. The gulls are bedding down with their mates; the air is filled with cooing. Hundreds of turbines spin noiselessly in the twilight.

Are there people in any of them? Is someone else looking out, not knowing that I’m looking back? The thought makes me strangely sad.

I’ve never minded being alone, so why do I ache with loneliness?

a black flower

I wake suddenly to a sound like a freight train.

There’s a moment where I wonder if I’m dreaming, and then it comes again, engulfing the circular room with a roar that makes the walls tremble. It’s a wave. Outside, there are waves high enough to crash over my quarters, forty feet above where they were this morning. Terror overtakes me. The sea is coming for me again.

I force myself to breathe, and I recall distantly that the forecast had mentioned a storm. Selene was made to withstand even a Category 5 hurricane. Whatever is happening outside, it can’t touch me here.

I reluctantly slip out of bed and check the weather data. The winds are blowing at sixty miles an hour, with gusts up to ninety. The gulls, I think, a cold fist of dread closing over my heart. They’re going to be blown right off the turbine, nests, chicks, and all. Before I can register what I’m doing, I’m pulling on my boots and running for the elevator.

Going up feels like being inside a cargo jet taking off. There’s a low-pitched moaning that must be the wind, and a higher note, like an overtone, that gets louder as I ascend. The walls vibrate, my very bones vibrate, as if I’m inside a bell as it’s ringing. The safety briefing flashes across my mind momentarily—bad weather, stay inside—but all I can think of are the gulls. Maybe I can save some of them, move their nests into the nacelle just for the night, just until the winds die down . . . .

I stumble out of the elevator. The floor is rocking; the entire turbine is swaying. Nausea rises in me. I race up the remaining fifteen feet of ladder to the upper deck. I can still save some of them. It’s all I’m thinking. I reach for the hatch, and that’s when I discover I’m not rigged in, oh fuck I’m not rigged in, and I’m falling, falling into empty space . . . .

Slam.

My body hits something solid. The landing. Through the grate I can see the tower spiraling into darkness. By some miracle I missed the edge. I lie there, dazed, tasting blood in my mouth.

How could I be so stupid? To forget my harness? To even think to go out there? The gulls are probably long dead. They were never going to make it. Never. My mind fills with horrible images: their flimsy white bodies hurtling through the storm like flotsam, my family’s old house splintering in the waves, my last fight with Darcy before we separated.

“Can’t you just entertain the idea?”

“There’s nothing to entertain, Darce. We’d never be able to afford it, not even if I took a salary job and you went back to that shitty tech company.”

“Maybe not that house exactly, but other places like it are starting to go on the market, and the idea is that it’s a collective, you’re not just paying for a house, but you’re paying into the whole system, the clean energy grid and the farm and—”

“And there’s a million other people who want to live in a place like that, so it’s going to go to the highest bidder. Obviously.”

“Jesus, I knew you were going to be like this. I knew the first thing you’d do was shoot it down, like you always do—”

“Don’t make me the bad guy just for being realistic.”

“You’re not being realistic, you’re being pessimistic.”

“Right, I forgot I was speaking to the only resident of Darcy’s Dreamland.”

“You’re the one who lives in a dreamland. You’re so convinced that the world is a horrible place, that it doesn’t matter what anyone says or does—you’re just going to find what you expect to find! Well I want more than that!”

I lie splayed on my back, aching, and I’m aware of tears dripping down my face.

“Darcy’s Dreamland” is what I used to teasingly call her side of our debates, back when we used to go for hours, her the optimist and me the pessimist, and then we both saw it as a point of pride that we could be so different, like it made our relationship stronger. Until it became the very thing we resented about each other. Or perhaps I made it so, because she was right: I couldn’t let go of my cynicism, and it would poison everything she wanted for us.

A wave of grief washes over me. I think of the gulls, of my family’s home, the beach, once loved then hated. How do I justify it, Darce? How do I believe in it like you do, a future, a home, a child?

Selene sways and sways, feeding off the storm, embracing its power, and somewhere far off, the homes of Nunavut are flaring with light.

a black flower

Somehow, I manage to drag myself back down to my bunk, where I fall into a fitful sleep. I don’t know how long I’m out for; it feels like days. When I finally wake, cocooned in blankets, the roar of the waves is gone.

My entire body aches. I pull off my shirt and twist to find mottled purple bruising extending down my back. Probably further, but I don’t really want to look. It hurts to inhale, making me suspect I’ve cracked a few ribs. At least I can still walk. Lucky I didn’t break both arms and both legs, or worse, everything else.

I limp down to the kitchen and brew a strong pot of coffee, putting off as long as I can the journey back up to the gearbox. I don’t want to see the empty platform, streaks of guano and scatterings of driftwood all that remains of the nests. But after eating and washing up and re-organizing the stores and entertaining myself with a crossword puzzle, I’ve run out of excuses not to do my job.

I don’t care, I tell myself, as I punch in the upper level on the lift. I always knew it was going to happen. And if I was smarter, I wouldn’t have gotten attached.

But when I lift my head through the hatch, I’m as shocked as I was the first time.

The gulls are still there. Their nests look a little worse for wear, sure, and some birds have feathers sticking up oddly, but they’re all still there. Without missing a beat, the adults are back to their foraging, delivering new bits of refuse for nest repair. And the chicks—if they can even be called chicks anymore—are spreading their speckled wings and levitating a few feet in the air, where they wobble like tiny kites. The polar sun is fierce in the cloudless sky.

I read once that if you look hard enough, you can always find a reason to hope. But I think the truth is closer to Darcy’s appraisal: you can always find a reason not to, and those reasons often feel more convincing. Hope isn’t found, it’s created. And sometimes, the reasons follow.

The fledglings lift higher and higher on the updrafts. The parents are watching; some launch themselves off the platform and begin circling above. They’re demonstrating, I realize. And then the first brave chick takes the leap of faith, following the adults off the platform and into open air. My heart lurches, but it’s got wings, hasn’t it? The others take the cue, and suddenly they’re all careening into the sky.

All across the horizon, small white specks are streaming from the tops of the other turbines like magnolia blossoms scattering in the wind. There must be thousands. The entire wind farm is a vast nesting colony.

Against all odds, the gulls have found their niche in this new world.

That Changing Prairie Light

The pump jack on the horizon reflects sunlight so brightly, it could be an x-ray shining through flesh. It unsettles me, so I fumble for the sun visor. A truck passes to my left, and my car sways. I try to keep my eyes straight. I know this highway and its pump jacks, but I can’t resist another look at this one.

The light’s already changed; that’s how it is on the prairie. But what I see is more than a trick of the light. This pump jack has a roundness, a girth. The metal contorts in the sun, and it transforms into something different—a giant bison.

A truck flashes its lights and another honks, I’m crossing the meridian. I jerk back the wheel and look for the beast in the rearview, but the light’s shifted and now there’s only a pump jack winking back at me.

I shake my head. I’ve always been a daydreamer but not to this extreme. Maybe it’s my new transition lenses. I concentrate on driving as pump jacks along the road wave at me. I’m used to them, this is oil country. They’re everywhere on the landscape, pulling up what’s hidden underground, raw and unprocessed.

When I turn off the highway, the farmer’s field across my acreage hurts my eyes with its emptiness. I pull into my driveway and take a moment before turning off the engine. The after-image of the bison is still burned onto my corneas.

I take my cardboard box from the car and walk into the kitchen—Jay’s already waiting for me.

He rises from the table, face expectant. “Well, how was your big day?”

He’s not talking about the bison, but the other thing that happened today. I set the box down. It’s full of papers and random junk, the detritus of thirty years wasted.

He opens his arms. “Congratulations.”

I turn away and greet Rory, our lab mix. Jay waits for me, but I ignore him. It’s the first day of my retirement, and I don’t want to talk about it.

a black flower

Jay makes dinner and does clean-up. He massages my shoulders, but I don’t relax. We’ve been married thirty-four years, but I haven’t loved him since our honeymoon. My career’s no different. I stayed three decades with my employer and hated every day of it. But my work kept me busy, I didn’t have to think. Now that lost time haunts me.

Katie calls with congratulations. She asks how “freedom fifty-five” feels. I tell her the truth—I’m unmoored. She doesn’t speak, but her presence calms me. She’s proof those years were worth something. She talks about her studies. When I hang up, I’m smiling, and my shoulders are loose for the first time all day.

Katie’s in fourth-year university. She lives with a room-mate in Edmonton. It’s less than an hour away, but sometimes I wish she was closer. Katie’s nothing like me. She holds her head high; she’s going to be somebody.

a black flower

Jay makes breakfast while I stand in the kitchen listless. The corner of the quartz counter digs into my hip, and I look for something to occupy my fingers. Normally I’d be checking work emails. I don’t know how to drink coffee without working.

Jay says I should take each day at a time. I’ll figure it out; he did. He retired two years ago. Now he consults part-time and works out daily. Retirement’s been kind to him, his wrinkles are smoothing and his hair is getting thicker. His blood pressure’s never been so low. Nothing fazes him, he’s always moving forward in life, steadfast. He never looks back; the past hasn’t trapped him.

I start on the box with my work items. There’s a “director’s award” I shared for a project two years ago. A “thank you for being kind” certificate from a former manager. Forms about pension and retirement rules. A watch with my employer’s name engraved.

I chose the watch in lieu of cuff-links—those were the two choices in the catalogue. I try it on. It doesn’t fit. My co-workers gave me a vase. It comes with a card; I have to smile when I open it. I picked out the same one for a retiring colleague a few months ago. I wrote the same, bland “enjoy your retirement.” I shake my head: I’ve already forgotten the colleague’s name.

The next thing I pull out is a pamphlet. It says, “Preparing for the New Phase.” It was on my desk my last day. I didn’t mean to take it, someone must have packed it up for me. The pamphlet says retirement can spark “feelings” and there are resources to help me. There’s a 1-800 number; I throw it away.

The box bores me so I walk to the window. The empty field across my acreage looms. I pull out my phone—it’s only 2:30 p.m. I stare at the window and let my eyes blur. I have no idea what to do.

a black flower

Katie texts with an invitation for lunch. We meet at an Earls near the university.

Katie slides into the booth, smiling wide. “Taanishi.”

I frown.

Her eyes dance. “Taanishi kiiya?”

I don’t understand her.

She shakes her head, still smiling. “It’s Michif, don’t you know?”

She’s joined a language group at university. They’re bringing in elders to teach the language. She asks if I learned it growing up. I shake my head, sorry to disappoint her.

She teaches me “How are you?” and the reply. She asks if my parents or grandparents spoke it, and I don’t have a clue.

Katie says that’s a shame, and I agree with her. She’s taking courses on Métis history; I didn’t know you could do that in university.

Katie’s writing her fourth-year honours thesis on the buffalo and the Métis in the 1870’s. I shake my head, impressed. Before I can stop myself, I describe my imagined bison.

Katie corrects me. “Don’t call it bison—it’s a buffalo. Lii bufloo.”

“Lii bufloo.” I repeat it. She says it smoothly, but my unpracticed tongue stumbles.

That night at dinner, I tell Jay Katie’s writing about buffalo. He says good for her, but the scientific term for the North American mammal is “bison.”

a black flower

Katie’s words stay with me. She said the bison used to roam free. I think about it while I drive down the highway. Rub my eyes, I can’t imagine how that could be. To me, the oil derricks and pump jacks are the only constants of the prairie. That and the abandoned oil wells, they’re in the hundreds of thousands.

I let my eyes blur, and the afternoon sun glints off oil derricks on both sides of me. A pick-up truck pulls out from behind to pass. The driver honks, and I’m about honk back when I realize I’m 30 km/hr below the speed limit. I shake my head and tell myself from now on, I’ll concentrate.

Jay’s waiting for me when I get home. “We need to talk.”

I bend to greet Rory.

He holds out the work pamphlet. “It was hard for me too.”

I thought I threw that out days ago.

He sets it on the table. “Just tell me you’ll consider it.”

I take Rory outside, and we stare at the farmer’s field across the road. By the time we return to the kitchen, Jay’s made my favourite dinner—fried eggs on crispy potatoes. We eat in silence, then he goes downstairs like he always does.

I go to be bed early but wake in the night. It’s dark outside, I don’t know the time. I slip out of bed and feel my way to the kitchen. Rory’s sprawled out on the linoleum; I step around him to get water. Wind chimes hit the window, but Rory doesn’t move.

I sip my water and look outside. I’m about to turn when something flashes in the corner of my eye.

My breath catches. I press my forehead against the glass—there’s something across the road in the farmer’s field. My tongue tingles. I see a faint shine. Maybe it’s the moon on barbed wire. It flickers bright, then fades, not moon-like at all. I frown. A memory stirs, but I can’t grasp it. When I look again, there’s nothing at all.

a black flower

Katie’s calling every day now. As long as I say my “Taanishi” and “kiiya maaka’s” she keeps it up. I download a Michif app and mangle a text message, but Katie answers immediately with a thumbs-up and a bison emoji. I reply, “love the bison,” and she’s swift to correct me: “lii bufloo.”

She says she has a surprise for me. She sends a text, but even with my transition lenses, I can’t make it out. The print is tiny like microfiche. Katie enlightens me—it’s the scrip certificate of my great-grandfather. She asks if I know what happened to the land.

I reply with a question mark, and she answers, “Don’t you know the history?”

Later I look it up. They didn’t teach this in school. It’s funny, my daughter’s the one teaching me history. Though it makes sense. My grandparents rented their whole lives; their grandparents fought in the Resistance.

Jay asks what we’re texting about. I can’t resist but reply smugly—this is our special thing, mother and daughter. Jay has his relentless optimism and thick hair, but not this. But he tries.

Katie comes for dinner, and he surprises us with homemade boulettes and bannock. He and Katie talk about New Year’s traditions; it turns out he googled them with the recipe. I try to remember what my mom told me. I don’t tell either of them I’m eating boulettes for the first time.

a black flower

Jay makes hamburger soup from an online recipe. It doesn’t agree with me. I wake in the night with my gut roiling. Feel my way to the kitchen for water. Wind chimes smash against the window and Rory doesn’t acknowledge me. I lean over the sink, dry heaving. I swallow bile, and when I look out the window, the moon is so big it scares me.

I stumble back to my room. Hit the pillow and I’m fever-dreaming. I’m driving down the highway and the sky’s strangely bright. Something on the prairie catches my eye—it’s a herd of bison. The road changes and I’m speeding.

Wind roars in my ears and bugs hit the windshield like wind chimes. The sky changes, and when I turn my head, there’s a metal bison blocking the highway. I’m going too fast to slow down. The ditch is all barbed wire. The bison turns its head, and red eyes stare at me. The car lifts off the ground, and the earth rushes toward me.

I shudder awake, gasp for air, and force down vomit. My ears are screaming. I stagger back to the kitchen for water. Rory hasn’t moved. I have no idea how much time has passed. Wind chimes hit the glass, but I can’t hear them. The sound in my ears is deafening. I stand at the window, and there’s no moon at all.

Something shifts across the field. I try to focus. My stomach churns, and bile rushes up my throat. A moment later, I’m running, gagging to the bathroom.

My nausea’s gone in the morning, but my ears are still loud. I don’t have a fever, but something’s not right. I call the doctor, and she tells me tinnitus is often idiopathic. She asks if I’m stressed or have any recent life changes. I shake my head, “No.”

The drive home takes forever. My eyes catch on the gleam of passing oil haulers while derricks and pump jacks wink at me. I almost rear-end a braking hatchback. I breathe out slow. I’m almost home when two deer run across the road, and instead of the usual white tails, I see technicolour.

a black flower

Days pass. I’m seeing things every day now. I try to tally the weeks since retiring, but it’s impossible to count. I used to mark days by my work calendar, but now I’m scattered across time and place, unfocussed.

Jay makes my favourite dinner, and when we sit down to eat, he reaches his hand across the table. I lift my eyes and watch the movement of creases around his lips. His voice has a funny timbre, and it’s hard to hear with my ears ringing.

But that doesn’t matter. I don’t need to listen, because I know what he’ll say. I’ve known for a while now. He calls it a “separation.” He says I can keep the house. He’ll take Rory, but if I want the truck, it’s mine. We’ll be kind to each other, stay a family for the sake of Katie.

I feel like I’m floating. I chew my food and swallow. He asks if I’m okay, and I nod. He takes the dishes to the sink and washes them. I watch him work, useless as ever. Don’t know if I’m relieved or gutted.

Jay goes downstairs, and that pamphlet on the counter stares at me. Did he dig it out of the trash? I throw it out for the umpteenth time.

We wait until the weekend to tell Katie. I can tell from her blinking we’ve surprised her. She says she understands, but her voice quavers. Jay starts to cry, and I almost remember what made my heart flutter in a different time and place.

a black flower

I’m sitting at the kitchen table, drinking coffee and scrolling news headlines on my phone. There’s a story about bisons and I click on it.

There’s been a herd on the eastern edge of the city for as long as I can remember, but now there are herds in other places. There’s one at the cultural centre northeast of the city; they’re bringing bison back to Batoche, too. The article says they’re coming back, though it’s nothing like years ago, when there were thousands on the prairie.

I went to Batoche when I was Katie’s age. I was with my mom and grandma, my mom drove, and I remember the road, single-lane highway winding through coulees and spectacular ravines. The light was incredible, and the sky opened up to us.

I’m about to send the article to Katie when I get a better idea. I google the cultural centre and see they have tours. I text Katie the link and she replies right away.

a black flower

On the day of the bison tour, I pick up Katie near the university.

“Taanishi!” Her eyes sparkle.

She hands me a thermos of hot coffee, and I sip it while I pull up my GPS and try to orient us.

We drive an hour and a half through rows of refineries northeast of the city. The air is sweet and sour, sometimes smoky. Orange flarestacks wave at me, and oil and gas haulers drive too slow in front of me, while others tailgate behind me.

We come out of the refineries to meet the North Saskatchewan. The cultural centre is at the top of a thick coulee. There are willows, poplars, saskatoons, and smatterings of spruce. It’s only September, but the trees are bare. It doesn’t make them any less beautiful. I park and take a moment to admire them. Katie nudges me.

We join our tour and climb into a jeep with three other visitors. Our guide drives through paddocks across a field. We see one bison, then another. Moments later, we come across a whole herd. I suck in my breath. They’re the size of pump jacks.

We watch while the bisons flick their tails and snort at each other. Our guide points out the differences between wood and plains bisons. Katie takes pictures. I have no words.

Katie and the guide trade facts. The guide calls them a keystone species, Katie describes how their presence changes and strengthens the ecosystem. I point out a pair of romping bison calves, and Katie corrects me, “bufloo!”

It’s strange to be so close to them. They’re nothing like the metal spectres I’ve been seeing. I can smell these creatures. They’re undeniably physical. They eat weeds, and birds land on their backs. Their scent and their presence grounds me. For the first time in days, I don’t feel lost.

Katie turns to me, and her eyes are more shades of brown than have names. A bison huffs, and its eyes are the same colours. The resemblance makes me giggle. Katie frowns. I try not to laugh but let out a snort. The other tour members look at me. Katie starts to smile. The tour guide asks if I’m okay, and I nod. A moment later, a guffaw escapes me, then Katie throws her head back and laughs with me.

We eat boulettes at the on-site cafe and agree they’re better than Jay’s. We turn onto the highway to drive home, and Katie talks about bisons. She has new ideas for her thesis—she might need to do an MA or PhD to explore them all. She pulls up the scrip on her phone and reads it out to me—Batoche, 240 acres, my great-grandfather’s mis-spelled name. She says maybe we can go to Batoche this summer. Maybe we’ll find where our family lived, maybe we’ll see the new buffalo.

I keep my eyes on the road, but something rises in my gut. It’s been so long I barely recognize it, but as we drive, I put a name to it: it’s somewhere between excitement and hope.

The smoke thickens as we drive. I should be used to it; wildfires last six months of the year now, the only seasons left are smoke and snow. When I was young, the air was clearer. Now, with the refineries and wildfire smoke, the landscape’s apocalyptic.

Katie googles travel routes to Batoche while I concentrate on driving. My eyes lose focus, and smoke curls around the road like it’s eating it. I jerk the wheel to stay in my lane. Katie doesn’t look up from her phone.

My lungs ache. I try to keep focus but I’m sleepy. I reach for the thermos but it’s empty. When I turn on the radio, there’s static. I turn it off, and Katie thanks me.

The sky darkens, and I can’t see the road in front of me. I turn on my lights. My eyes start to water, and Katie bends forward to cough. My heart seizes, and I see her as a little girl having an asthma attack in the hospital.

I look up to the road, and my breath catches. The smoke curls back to reveal a red-eyed metal bison blocking my lane. There’s no time to slow. I hit the brakes.

Everything slips out of sequence. The SUV sways to the right. We rock to the left and Katie screams. We cross the meridian. An oil tanker charges out of the smoke toward us. The bison flickers like a failing fluorescent. My ears hush, and the only sound is my heartbeat.

We hit the ditch on the other side of the road. There’s a whoosh, and the oil tanker thunders past. I swallow blood, and the earth shakes. My tooth slams through my tongue. We come to a stop.

Katie’s hunched over, not moving. My breath rushes out, and panic takes over. I want to scream, but I’m winded. Dizziness hits me, I’m on the cusp of fainting when Katie starts to move. I take in a ragged breath, and she reaches for her phone. She’s stopped coughing, and I remind myself she hasn’t needed an inhaler for years now.

I fumble for my keys, but my hands are shaking. Katie puts her fingers over mine and says it’s okay. I turn off the engine, and we sit in the ditch without speaking.

When we pull back onto the highway, the smoke is thinner. There’s no sign of the bison. I ask Katie if she saw anything, and she frowns at me.

I give the road my full attention, and the concentration gives me a headache. I drop off Katie and apologize for our incident. She laughs and waves her hand. I ask her, half-serious, if she trusts me to drive to Batoche. Her eyes soften, and she says she’ll go anywhere with me.

a black flower

When I get home, I dig the pamphlet out from the trash before taking off my shoes. I call the 1-800 number, and “Wanda” assures me it’s okay to have feelings. I correct her—it’s not a feeling. I try to describe the bison.

She scribbles, and her voice changes. She asks, guarded, if I’m sure. Her voice says there’s something wrong with me. I try to backtrack, but she won’t let me. She says she’s referring me to a specialist, then gives me a breathing exercise before informing me our time is up.

a black flower

Jay moves out with Rory. I’m listless home alone, so I tidy. The box from my work is still on the counter. I put it in the trash. An hour later I dig out the vase and the watch, and after two hours, I take out the pamphlet.

I open the fridge, but it’s empty. I find Kraft dinner in the cupboard and eat it plain. Pour myself a glass of wine then change my mind and dump it. I try the radio but there’s only static, and my tinnitus is louder than the wind-chimes.

I wash the dishes and look out at the farmer’s field. It’s getting dark earlier now, and there’s smoke outside. Cold seeps through the glass and makes me shiver. I miss Rory. I haven’t had the house to myself in a long time.

a black flower

I wake in the night with my ears screaming. The bedroom’s dark, and I don’t know what time it is. My head is fuzzy, and my teeth have a film of starch. I sit up, and my head pounds. Did I brush my teeth?

I feel my way to the kitchen. Step around the linoleum before remembering there’s no dog. Gulp down cold water that hurts my teeth. The wind chimes don’t move.

I turn around, and the brown and cream squares of linoleum rise in front of me, three-dimensional cubes in technicolour. The kitchen counter isn’t just round, it’s also lengthening. The pamphlet is no longer rectangular.

I blink, not comprehending. Then all I know is I need to get air. I reach for my lumberjack sweater and pull it over my nightie. When I step outside, the cold pricks my bare legs. The air’s smoky, but I look up and see satellites and stars. I start down the driveway, and cold gravel digs into my soles. I should have worn shoes. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

I pause at the highway. There’s no cars, not even distant headlights. The asphalt is soft on my feet after gravel. I cross the road.

The farmer’s field is full of dried grass and rocks that stab me. A twig catches between my toes, and I yelp. I can’t see the ground below me. I hold out my hand and try to remember where there’s a gap in the barbed wire. Feel my way through. The air’s different on the other side of the fence. I don’t smell smoke now. My tongue tingles, and the static in my ears becomes a crescendo.

I take a step and feel it. Smell it too—something metal. My ears hush like I’m in a tunnel. The only sound is something breathing.

There’s a groan of metal as it turns. My breath catches—its eyes are every possible shade of red. And its body—I reach out with trembling fingers and steel turns to ether as the bison flashes in and out of time and space like an x-ray.

The after-image dazes me, and when it snorts, the earth rumbles. My teeth go through my tongue a second time. It flashes again, and the revelation comes to me that it’s standing in the future and the past and every dimension. I suck in my breath. Even with this discovery, something tells me I’m not grasping the half of it.

There’s a sound behind me, I turn, and a truck is barrelling down the highway. It has on its brights. I crouch down, hoping the driver won’t see me. The truck rushes past and then disappears into darkness. I turn back to the bison, but the headlights have blinded me. I reach out but don’t feel anything. My knee hits something hard and I feel pipe—probably another abandoned oil well. I turn around and my fingers catch on barbed wire.

The next thing I know I’m crying. I run across the road, sobbing. Twigs and rocks gouge my feet and I rush up the driveway. I slam the front door and lean against it, then sink down to the floor. I can’t see through my tears; grief overtakes me.

a black flower

The itch in my legs wakes me. There are dried leaves and twigs in my sheets, and blood from the cuts on my feet.

I spend too long in the shower. Have to brush my teeth twice to stop tasting Kraft dinner. My eyes are bloodshot. I try and fail to count the days since my retirement. I don’t even try to measure how long it’s been since Jay left with Rory.

I drink coffee and stand at the window. The barbed wire across the road reflects sunlight, and the field is unspeakably bare.

I google “metal bisons,” and “smoke” and don’t find anything. I squint into my phone and my eye aches. My transition lenses have been missing for days.

I’m sitting in the kitchen staring at space when Katie texts. She’s thought of a topic for her graduate studies. She sends another text before I can reply. “I’m tracking our family’s scrip. We can investigate on our road trip!”

I send her a heart. Katie cheers me, but I still feel a heaviness. I haven’t shaken last night’s grief. I don’t even know the reason for it. I stand at the window, and the field stares at me. Finally, I put on my boots.

I walk down the driveway and can’t believe I did that in bare feet and a nightie last night. I hold my elbows against my chest to keep out the cold. Cross the highway and squeeze through the gap in the barbed wire. Shake my head—it’s a wonder I didn’t shred myself.

At first, I can’t find the oil well. It’s hidden behind long grass, not immediately visible. There’s broken glass all over the place. I whistle at my luck last night. I reach out to touch the cold metal. It was probably abandoned decades ago.

I turn to leave, but my eyes catch on the barbed wire. The static in my ears gets louder, and the light reflects against the metal. The sky changes, and my eyes tear. An old memory comes back to me.

It’s in fragments. I don’t know how I remember, I would have been so young. I’d think it was made up, or something I overheard, if not for that sky. I can still see it, etched in my memory like microfiche.

We were driving on that highway. The road was different then, narrow and single-lane, ringed by aspen and birch trees instead of refineries. I don’t know if we’re driving east or west. I was a child, in the back seat. A pick-up truck flew by us and we wondered at its speed. It was so fast I saw it in technicolour.

We kept driving. We went down a stunning ravine and across a river. We climbed up a ridge, and the sky was spectacular. We started down a hill, and the light changed to illuminate everything. We saw the door first, and then the fender. We didn’t know what we were seeing until we came across the smoking metal.

We found her in the field. The driver must have lost control. It was the time before seat-belts. She’d gone through the barbed wire, and the metal shone red with her blood.

She was so pale. We held her hand, and the sky opened up over her face. She would have been Katie’s age. The light shifted, so the colours around us changed. The sun was incredible. That’s always how it is on the prairie. When she was gone, we looked for the driver.

We found him in parts. It was too late. The light was different already. My mom hugged me and told me not to look. The metal of the wreck was so bright I couldn’t look at it.

I walk home lost in the memory.

a black flower

Months pass, inexplicably. Winter passes, then spring. The pamphlet’s on my counter, but the specialist doesn’t contact me, and I don’t feel the need to call Wanda.

I’m still waking at night, but I no longer walk around the linoleum. I don’t know if the tinnitus is gone or if my brain has finally gotten used to it. The farmer’s field is yellow because there’s no rain, and the city’s surrounded by wildfire again.

I take a calendar and manage to count the days since my retirement and Jay’s departure. I write down the number. It’s already July—there’s not so many days now to our road trip.

I pull up the Michif app on my phone and scratch out the English numbers of my tally and re-write them in Michif. I like these numbers better. I look up the names of the months and the days of the week and I change those too.

I’m no longer haunted, but a part of me mourns that metal beast. It tormented me but also showed me possibility. That maybe those years weren’t lost, that the past and future could brush against each other. That things could change, that my life wasn’t wasted.

Jay stopped texting me. It’s typical, Jay knows to be steadfast. He only looks forward, he doesn’t look back.

Now when I drive, the pump jacks are pump jacks. Oil derricks don’t contort into bisons. Nothing blurs. The past is imprinted and unchangeable like microfiche. Like the landscape—the bisons are gone, it’s all pump jacks and oil wells now. And the only certainties of the future are more oil derricks and hotter, bigger wildfires.

It doesn’t bother me. I’m past that silly daydream. It’s not just the delusion that gets me, it’s that I couldn’t even picture real bisons. All I had for reference was this burned landscape.

Katie dreams big, but the limit of my imagination is a metal beast of industry.

a black flower

I pick up Katie on the day of our road trip, and she hands me a thermos of coffee. Her smile fills the car, invigorating me. I turn onto the highway, and the lines of the road soften.

We drive on divided highway ringed by refineries and gas plants. The sky is orange in some places. Katie talks about her thesis; she hasn’t made headway on our family scrip, but she’s hopeful. Besides, she’s changed her focus—now it’s the future that has her attention.

I listen to her talk. She’s not like Jay, looking forward as though there’s no past to speak of. Katie looks in all directions. She’s still learning Michif. She says the buffalo in Batoche are thriving and remaking the whole ecology. They’re changing the landscape, even. I try to picture Michif rolling off our tongues and real buffalo in place of metal derricks, but the dream is still too big for me.

Katie talks the whole drive. She says Jay is doing well and Rory ate her slippers. She’s teaching first-year students Michif. The light changes, and I tell Katie the story of the accident. It feels good to get it out. Katie shakes her head, and we don’t speak for a long time.

The road isn’t all refineries. The landscape changes as we drive. The sky is still wide, and when the sun comes out from the clouds, the world around us softens. It’s strange, everything’s rounder and the hues are all brighter. My vision should be blurry, but instead everything is in focus, like I’m wearing my long-lost transition lenses, though I lost them months ago.

My tongue tingles, and I’m in a different time. My shoulders tighten then relax when I see my company. I’m Katie’s age with my mom and my grandma, three generations driving eastward. It’s our trip to Batoche. The sky opens up and illuminates the prairie. I see our backs brightened by sun and aspen trees on both sides of us. The woman in the middle turns, and I expect to see my mom but instead I see Katie. Her face is full of laugh-lines. The younger woman who I thought was me says something, and Katie laughs and corrects her, “lii bufloo.”

My breath catches, and the road comes back to me. There are crows on both sides of the road and hawks in the sky. Prairie dogs scurry across the road in front of us. The road is ringed by saskatoon bushes and willow. Everything’s alive.

Katie’s watching me. “All good?”

I nod, and she passes me coffee.

We drive through spectacular coulees and alongside aspen bluffs. I start to remember the names of trees, and Katie translates them into Michif for me. It makes me doubt my previous certainty. Maybe Jay’s wrong about everything. Some things are past, but there’s a world of possibility.

We’re almost there when I see a silhouette on the side of the road. I wait for the flicker and for its red eyes to turn to me. Katie holds up her phone to take a picture.

I slow the car and look for the reflection of steel. Close my eyes and it still isn’t there. Katie rolls down the window and I don’t smell metal. She turns back to me and she’s smiling so wide I can see the beginning of laugh-lines.

The beast snorts, and we both say at the same time, “lii bufloo.”

The light shifts, and the sky opens up. The sun changes, and farther up the road, we see a whole herd. We drive closer. Katie’s eyes dance, and we take in the changing prairie.